The night wind bit into my face and my hands were stinging with the cold, but I knew I could make it on my new fitness cycle; it was in the garden because I wanted the authentic feeling.
Tomorrow I think I will get the chain for it from the local gym.
I settled down after defrosting (in front of the fire) at my pc, today was the day I was going to join a chat room.
I had always wanted to; only I couldnt get the nerve up to actually go in one.
I decided to try Yahoo, so I made my self a cup of tea and entered "Yahoo" into my Google search engine!! &^%* off it said and try in a Yahoo search engine!!
I entered Yahoo in a Yahoo search engine, well its only manners I suppose.
It took two days to work out which room was which; I wondered why it was called a room as there was just a square box with names running down the right hand side.
I decided it would be best if I could hear what everyone was saying, so I decided to go and buy some speakers from the local hi-fi shop.
The man told me they didn't supply pc speakers and only hi-fi and disco ones, I decided the best thing was to get a thousand watt amp and a sub woofer, 5 speaker systems for a disco, (after all I wanted to hear everyone)
The mike was the next item I needed as I wanted to be able to talk to people, so I went to PC world again, there were loads of Mikes there.
Amazingly there was loads of Mikes in the chat room also!
I turned my sound up after wiring all the gear up to full and just waited and watched.
All of a sudden a voice shouted "oi donkey dick "I fell off my chair for real this time....
The nurse who attended me for those two weeks said I should never leave empty glasses by my chair!
Calculating the necessary volume and making sure the volume was turned down this time to an audible level, I sat back and watched with intent as Spiderman and Chicken Legs debated whether it was possible to time travel, some other person kept annoying everyone with their jokes which only I thought were funny his name was "LOL" I think because everyone shouted "well done
lol" to him all the time.
All the voices were American and I thought I would leave there as I didnt like America after a previous dealing with them a few years ago!
I entered all my details and joined MSN chat and then when I tried to go to a chat room it said they were now closed!
Just like the pub I thought, I went back to Yahoo.
I didnt like the name Sardine 7 so I decided to change my name again, something really good that sticks out I thought. The first time in I found myself "not in" I was thrown out apparently for gross behaviour! Seventeen chat rooms later and a big puzzled look on my face, I decided to change my name again from "Michael Hunt" To Pickled Onion, It must have been because there are to many Mikes around!!
I tried another 430 names trying to get one as they all seemed to be taken. The one I was allowed and chose was "Twinkle Toes"
"Hello" I said on the next visit to a room in general, no one said anything.
"HELLLOOOOO" .......still nothing; I thought I would now try a room with someone in there apart from me.
HELLO PEOPLE I said in the next room, "stop shouting m8"came the reply 27 times.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Again everyone in the room agreed to point out I was shouting and I should be kicked out on my ass for not telling them where I was from in the first place.
All of a sudden a loud ping threw me off balance again and I nearly fell off my chair with fright.
Someone explained that capital letters were in fact shouting in chat language, so half an hour later when I finally managed to turn my caps lock off, I settled down to a good old chin wag,
"ASL" someone typed to me "I dont understand that sorry" I stated.
Age, sex and location they typed, "oh I see" I said I am 44; I had sex when I was 18 and Im in the living room!!
Someone called me "lol" and managed to put a smiley face on my screen.
There were lots of pings going on and then someone called Lionheart said why wasnt I answering his whispers??
"I can't hear them I explained and continued to read the many things now going on in the 3inch by 2 inch window.
It took me another couple of days to get the lingo together and another two to realise I was being privately chatted up.
I met someone called Sloppypuppy and this was the beginning of the end.
I chatted to her for a bit and she asked me if I cybered!! I told her I only liked Chinese meals but I was always open to suggestions and did she have any recipes!!
With eyes wide open on this subject I remember thinking to myself "my brother would be interested in this topic"
Sloppy asked me if I would like to meet her for coffee and a bit on the side, so I asked her if she liked sultanas in scones as most places only do these types.
I decided it would only be polite to meet sloppy for tea and scones so the next day I turned up at the cafe as planned, I was waiting for a slim blonde with blue eyes and pigtails, the pig bit was correct but the slim blonde was a bit of a porker!!
In walked the most hideous of creatures I had ever seen in the form of a gorilla with teeth!!
She plonked herself down at the table and said in the most deepest voice I had ever heard "hello you must be Mike"
I told her maybe she had her "caps lock on" to which she giggled and slammed her fist down on the table so hard the salt fell over.
"Ive been to loads of meets, have you?" she enquired "no none" I answered and I thought to myself "thank God and I don't intend to go to any more either" "Get me a cuppa and a mince pie" she demanded, so I went to the counter and ordered her stuff.
20 minutes later I told her I had prior engagements and started to leave, when she exclaimed we were now cyber married and she would see me tomorrow.
I told her I only came for the tea and the bit on the side, to which she agreed and told me she was the bit!!
I explained to her that she couldnt possibly be a bit with those size jugs and proceeded to leave the cafe.
I woke up next to some guy in Grimsby who said he had fractured his skull in three places and his mate had two broken legs in the next bed to us.
I asked him if he had been in a car crash to which he replied no he was in fact a plain clothes police officer who attended a brawl in a local cafe with his colleagues.
Apparently 17 members of staff were involved and three people were taken away seriously injured,
I apparently was found in the corner of the cafe upside down with my jeans around my neck!
The culprit was still at large and was known as the Internet mauler!! She had apparently done this sort of thing 23 times and each time managed to elude the police.
I told them the 20 inch scar running down the inside of her nose must surely give her away but he reckoned a tube of blusher and some local made cement conceals it.
I asked him what I should have been looking for and he told me the teddy bear she carried and he went on to explain it was the only thing she cared for and if anyone was to touch it they would surely die. I told him I never touched her teddy bear and I must have been really lucky!!
"Lucky" the police guy said "I wouldn't have liked to have been unlucky".
I got home about 6 oclock the following week and my wife told me she had been worried sick and where the hell had I been? She reckoned I had been seeing some girl off the internet!!
I never went back in those chat rooms as I thought they were too dangerous.
I've started noticing a strange figure who catches my eye when I go to the shops and I have wondered about it but apparently its just a shadow unless "YOU" YES thats right "YOU" know different.