I just received one of those emails that said "please send this to a million people", so just for the hell of it I thought I would try.
The first person I sent it to wasn't in, but they sent back a receipt to say they received it.
So I decided to send out my second, and lo and behold I got a reply!
The person replied " Don't bother me again you creep or I will report you for spamming"!!
So I decided to just do the other 999,998 all at once by emailing in bulk.
I went onto a website called "email for fun" yeah right, it took me half an hour to make my way back there and to reset my pc another 2 hours,
I was really careful the second time I went there I can tell you!!
I saved all my stuff this time, they thought they were good but I had them beat.
After the twelfth time of visiting that site, I decided to try a different approach and visited Kazaa.
This was a real eye opener to say the least and I got the programme I was looking for 769 times in all different languages and formats.
After a week of searching through all the files, I finally found the programme I wanted to use.
After downloading it and then going through a thousand file systems trying to locate where the hell it put itself,
I found it logged in my programme files under C:Drive (it was at this point I realised I still had enough space for,L,M,N,O,P,X,Y & Z drives as the others were taken up)
While trying to decipher the programme I noticed the file wouldn't open because I needed to get something called Adobe to open pictures,
So back to Kazaa for me, number 2 was the number it showed instead of ratings of 1000, so it was going to take a little time.
Time was what I didn't have, it was quickly approaching the year deadline I set myself to get the million emails out.
With Adobe in hand and a few days later, I set out to start a mailing system to get my emails rolling.
I decided the best thing to do was to get a book on this Adobe programme as it didn't quite meet my intelligence, so off I went to PC World.
Thousands of books there was on the subject including one called "how to cheat in Adobe" I had to use my visa card to pay for the book but it was worth it.
I settled down to a cocoa and a good read.
The following week I decided to throw the book in the bin and use a different programme and I had heard that Jasc had a free programme called PSP9.
I enquired at a few of the sites that were giving advice at the time, and they pointed me in the right direction.
I had it, I had Paint Shop Pro 9 and it seemed a little bit better to understand than Adobe so I made another cocoa and set to work analysing this programme.
I went back to my mailing system and low and behold the files where now accessible and was in exactly the same format as the PSP programme files.
I decided that the PSP9 programme must have been really special to have changed those files over without me even doing it.
With programme open and time against me I decided to begin my task.
After about 2 hours of studying the blank black screen, I decided the only way to get back onto my pc was to switch it off from the wall and the last thing I remember seeing was the words "You have been ....."
It was looking really bad as I looked through all the bits on the bedroom floor, The guy at the PC shop said I only had to push the new mother board in the slots provided.
Looking for the old one wasnt going to be as easy as I first thought...
The PC repair man said I should have took it to him when I first had the problem and it needed a new mother board, and a new disc drive etc, I decided to leave it with him and go get a new PC..
After looking at a 100 or so different new PC's I asked the guy in the PC shop what he recommended, he told me the Bose was good and very compact it had a good sound output.
After unwrapping it and plugging it in, the radio come on and radio one DJ came on stating, the Scissor Sisters had got some award at an awards ceremony.
All very well I thought but this thing just doesn't cut it with the keyboard facilities.
I took it back to complain saying I didnt think it was value for money as it only played radio one and I couldnt get on the net with it at all.
I left that shop very much with my eyes wide open, "can do everything my ass".
I finally got a new PC and set it up to the diagram which was in the package, I had never done this before as my first one was set up for me, but everything seemed ok.
First stop MSN to let them know I was doing ok and I had a new PC and then, I thought I would reinstall Kazaa to get that programme again!!
Sitting here thinking now, I think that was where I was going wrong, and after 3 other PCs I decided to use Gnuttella instead!!
After setting up my new email sending system, I ticked all the IP address's of the countries involved and pressed send.
27 days later that programme stopped sending emails and I sat back in wait of the replies.......
The first email I got was from a guy in Outer Mongolia asking me if I was advertising for new motorcycles. If so could I help out a couple of guys who rode through there a few of days ago?
Apparently they were stuck in some marshes.
The second, third, fourth and fifth emails referred to some company who wanted me to attend a seminar and read out my "poem"
I received about 3000 the next week or so all just return to addressee as per instruction in my email.
I then received an email from some guy in a company called the FBI he informed me that they had received about 3600 emails in their system and would I refrain from sending them emails or the consequences would be dire. It was at this point I emailed him back and asked them if they were interested in joining my email club because seeing as they could receive my email they would be ideal candidates.
72,000 emails came the next day from people wishing me well in my task, I can never understand what the *&^%%&* meant but the rest of the mail was crystal...
The emails just rolled in and I counted at least 40 different countries involved, some of them I couldnt understand because they were Polish or something like that so I decided to visit Webhelp and get their opinion.
They told me there was a programme called BABEL which would decipher different languages and tell me what the emails said.
You would never believe what those emails said? In fact I just couldnt repeat them on here ... some said I was a son of some animal and I should go sleep with another member of my family, I dont think they liked me much in those countries.
Anyway the next 30 days were the strangest days I've ever known, I found three different men outside rooting in my bin who all gave the same excuse of, they were looking for drug dealers needles that were dumped in the area after a drugs chase.
Im not really sure on that excuse because this is a quiet area and no one in my house takes drugs, except for my wife for high blood pressure.
That week saw the most emails arrive with an estimated 3.7 billion, so the man in the court said, but I think he was exaggerating a little.
The Judge said I was a menace to society and told me I was to be banned from using a PC for the rest of my life and I was heavily fined $2000 for costs.
I was deported from America that day and told never to go there again, it was the first time I had ever been there and I decided I didnt want to go back there anyway!!
Back home there was an email waiting for me asking me to put some money into my account for this well mannered businessman whose family had all died and left him 30 million pounds, this was my chance I thought, so I emailed him back.
Maybe I can get some of that fine money back I just lost.
2 days later I received an email back saying could I ring him to arrange transfer etc, so I did and by the end of the day I was on a ferry leaving Horwich for the Hock of Holland.
I had never been to Holland before!!
This was a real disaster and the guy went to the toilet with my deposit and never came back, something must have happened to him and when I got back to the UK I emailed him to make sure he was alright and see if he could sort out the transfer faster.
Im still waiting for his answer but Im sure it will be soon as he seemed a very nice man and well dressed!!
Just in case anyone is interested in my million emails here are your instructions.
Please find enclosed an email of utmost urgency, if you do not send this email back to me and a million others you will miss out on the biggest email experiment that has ever existed.
Dont worry you dont need to use any stamps as the post office has no control over these.
Try to post it back to me at 9 am as I tend to start reading my mail at this time so will see it and can reply to you.
If you live in Australia remember I have enough triple x to last me a life time.
Dont worry if I dont email you back in response as I do have a lot to go through and I have to use a spell checker also.
If you dont email me back then a million emails you will receive by other people.
I am a Liverpudlian and dont speak fluent bull sh..... so please make your email as clear and concise as possible.
If youre not English then you have a problem and I would suggest using a programme to read it.
Suggested programme Babel
Thanks for your time and you never know if you are passing through my site, you may just come across the times and troubles of Stevirobbo and the story of the million emails.
And don't forget if you need any advice Im always willing to lend a hand.