I finished waxing my moustache and twisted it in to place as the doorbell rang.
I opened the door to a burly man in a tweed suit holding a big bunch of flowers,
"hi mate" I said as he thrust the flowers into my hand and gave me a receipt to sign.
I had bought these for Jumanji the girl I was meeting later on tonight at the club which had opened on fox lane.
I went back to the oven and put my head in.
This would get my hair dry in no time!
Half an hour later I decided to light it as the gas was making my eyes water.
After cutting back the singed hairs from my scalp.
I decided to shave my head and moustache and go as a hard b^&$%rd instead,
I looked for my suit but I couldn't find it anywhere
So after combing the house from top to bottom with no luck,
I decided to wear my red Rockport tee shirt,
& my over the top yellow flowery drainpipe jeans (well this was my first date in twenty seven years)
and my green jacket with "I love Lucy"on the back.
I got my musky bottle out and slapped a few drops on my head, arms and chest and smiled to myself in the mirror
"you gorgeous hunk you, you will knock her dead)
I rang for taxi and waited.
After about an hour I rang them back to complain about the time, to which the guy on the phone said my pizza would be ready anytime!
I rang a different taxi firm and within 2 minutes it arrived, I gave myself the once over in the mirror before I left, "those aluminous socks glowed man".
Everyone would be able to see my Michael Jackson dance moves now in the dark.
I swaggered out to the taxi and climbed in the passenger seat, tipping my glasses I winked at the taxi driver and said
The Banshee club mate and theres a pound extra in it, if you get there with no creases
He looked at me smirked and floored the accelerator.
Six miles later and a nosebleed to boot we arrived in one piece at the destination.
That will be seventeen pounds please
thats extortionate I said,
to which he replied "no thats my wages, now your socks are extortionate, now give me my money and get out you freak
I handed him the money to which he snarled wheres my pound, I got you here quick space I replied something to do with him being from outer space and threw him the pound.
I walked up to the doormen and asked them what time the club shut one starred at me and said "2am mate you cant come in without a tie though the other guy said so I smiled to myself placed my hand into my inside pocket and whipped out my lilac and cream starred dickey bow.
I put it on and walked through the two doormen, who were now bent over as if they were in pain with tears streaming down their faces. I wished them a good evening and proceeded to the bar.
Jumanji was waiting at the bar she looked really nice and stood with a long stemmed cocktail, I walked up and tapped her on the shoulder and as she turned I noticed the mole on her nose which was bigger than her face, she was so cross eyed that I thought, if she was to cry the tears would roll down her back, I frowned and asked her if she had been there long to which she replied in the most squeakiest voices I had ever heard No I only arrived this morning I now know why she was called Jumanji because she looked like she had been dragged through the jungle backwards and still had half the undergrowth protruding from her face.
I asked her what she did for fun and she told me she loved horse riding, (she looked like she was related to one)
Would you like another drink?
Yes please I will have a baby cham and almond essence please
Do they do that kind of drink?
Well when I asked before they never but they might now you are here
It was at this point that I realised I was dating a lamp post with no light. Dim was not even in the running and I decided maybe she was a good dancer as there had to be something good about the evening.
I think you should try vodka and orange its quite nice and Im sure you would like it
Ok, I have never tried orange before what colour is it?
I stopped looking for the barman and spun round in disbelief at her comment green I said giving a wry smile the same as my socks She looked down and smiled and announced
they are pretty arent they? Maybe I can charm them off you later!!
I ordered her drink and then asked her if she would like to dance
She said oh I would love to and look the dance floor is empty.
She took my hand and dragged me (kicking and screaming to the dance floor) I begged her to wait until someone else was there also but she said she would lead if I was a bit shy.
I stood there hands in face as she opened her bag and took out some Doc Martin boots and proceeded to tie them up on her feet, she then looked into my eyes and said right lets go then
She pogoed the highest I had ever seen anyone jump in my life, left, right, up, down, all over the place, she fell off the dance floor and hit some guys table, knocking over everything twice and still she went at it, at one stage she shouted isnt this great?
Fantastic I said slopping off towards the bar, I will be back in a minute I just need to have a drink She nodded as she pounced backwards and forwards across the dance floor.
I went to the bar and asked the barman if the club was always this empty, to which he said "it usually got busy around eleven when the pubs closed",
what time is it now?
"4pm so you have a while yet mate.
I watched as Jumanji bounced up and down like tigger and I thought maybe I should just go.
Just then she bounced right over to me.
I need a drink too she said.
I am tired Jumanji so I think I will get off now
Oh ok, I am a bit pooped myself, fancy coming back to mine for a drink then?
Ok just the one
We left and made our way to her flat on the outskirts of the city where she climbed up the drainpipe and opened the window and then climbed inside.
Opening the door for me she exclaimed she had lost her key about a month ago, so this was the only way she could get in now.
I asked her why she didnt get another key made to which she announced she didnt have one to take around to get cut.
She led me up some darkened stairs where she tried to lunge at me and kiss my cheek.
What are you doing? I asked
Just buttering you up for later
I continued up the stairs as she grabbed my butt as I passed her.
I made my way into her flat and I held my breathe.
Whats that smell Jumanji? I asked her
Thats my dog; I couldnt find it in my heart to bury him when he died last week so I have stood him up in the living room next to the fire where he loved to lie.
I walked in the room and there was a Great Dane sat by the fire with lots of insects crawling all over it.
I use his tongue still to lick my stamps with she said so at least he serves a good purpose
With that she unbolted her arm and placed it on the wall next to the door.
I stuttered to her something about how long had she been living here as she unscrewed one of her eyes and placed it in a jar of water next to the TV.
How many pieces do you come in then Jumanji?
She laughed and said oh only those, I lost them one day while drying my hair in the oven!
She threw herself down on the settee,
and said fancy a fumble on the couch?
What with I asked
She laughed an said me of course
No thank you Jumanji, could I just have a drink of water please.
With that she took the eye out of the glass popped it in her socket and handed me the glass,
there you go, fresh out the toilet yesterday
Jumanji I dont want to sound rude but I think I will leave now
She looked at me smiled and said
dont you fancy me then? Was it something I said? Was it because I have no teeth?
she then took her teeth out.
(This was like the old joke where she then asks me if I want a bit and I say yes throws it out the window)
No Jumanji its just that I dont really go for girls who smell worse than their pets and live in flats that resemble hostage dwellings, and come like a box of macano you have to assemble".
I dont fancy you one bit not even any bit, and I dont want to hurt your feelings but I would rather kiss your dog.
It was at this point she started crying and a tear ran down her left cheek onto her chin,
I am sorry Jumanji I didnt mean to hurt your feelings
No its ok she said I am upset with happiness, youre the first person who has ever liked my dog
she said and then she threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek.
Just then the door flew open and this guy who was about eight foot walked in
Hi Jumanji he said Im home
I asked her who this was, to which she said my boyfriend
He smiled in a kind of toothless way, well he did have one or two teeth and I could smell his breathe from the hall.
Hi mate my name is Tommy, and you are ?
I answered lightly and cautiously Steve
Nice to meet you Steve he then turned to Jumanji and said well is he up for it then?
No Tommysaid Jumanji.
I said I was just leaving mate I have to be somewhere at nine.
Well come with you if you want and then later we can come back here said Jumanji
No its ok, you stay here with Tommy and if I get the chance I will come back later".
I walked out to all the usual goodbyes and the see you later scenario.
I thought to myself God I am glad I never asked her back to my place my dead cat would have put her right off me.