SMILIELANDTV
Probably the best site in the world after heineken
LOST & FOUND
Ever had the feeling something wasn't right?
Well I decided to apply for an online job in IT, so I typed in the search engine
"Giz a job" as it did not work for Yosser hughes so it may for me.
Well I was amazed to find loads with this search, not surprisingly a place called Giz a job, giz a virus,
where you could get virtual clap, plus some very mean gnomes called Gizmo, sasha, plank, butcher,Frizzle
Tent maker and umigoolies, they had a leader called Hail stone.
I called them hail stone and the seven gnomes.
Apparently they were a hit squad and for a fee would assassinate anyone .
I decided to email them and find out more details but apparently they were off out in the Amazon rain forest tracking down some
reporter called Trevor MacDonald, who had retired there and had got himself lost he hadn't been seen for weeks,
the hit squad had been paid to go and find him because the ITV had gone to pot without him and the news just wasn't the same.
I wondered who that guy was and I bet he was playing bingo in some rainy dreary place with Harry the hatchets brother, Freddy the fish.
While searching through the "Billions of job vacancies", I noticed a vacancy for a person to test bubbles in a soap factory.
I rang them for a more in depth description. The receptionist said The applicant must be between two foot and three foot tall due to
the solar panels low dimensions and the advert had got it wrong it was for a vacancy in the local soup factory getting all the bubbles out of the mushroom soup, apparently you had to stick pins in all the mushrooms so they wouldn't bubble during cooking as this made less soup and therefore cost more in the long run, Mr Campbell was a really nice man though and offered to show me around his factory, I declined because I didn't like mushrooms and had once had a very bad experience with one in Stonehenge.
After fifty or so agencies and 27 packets of ink due to printing off so many application forms I decided to give up on the idea and follow my dreams of being a writer, the next day I changed my mind however due to lack of ink.
I decided to be a private detective and I put my advert in the local paper, two weeks later I got a letter asking me if I would like to take on a job for some private company,
who didn't leave their name, address, fax, personal details, how long they had been married, how many times a week they got bathed or their telephone number but said they would be in touch,
and could I please eat the letter!
I didn't trust them so just throw the letter away.
The next day some guy popped up unexpectedly from my shopping trolley in marks and Spencer (I always shop there due to their new campaign "HELP")
The guy said "Hi Steve wanna work for us ?"
" We have a job for you, you might like it, the pays good the job entails travelling and seeing new lands"
so I said "what is it?"
The guy replied "finding some gnomes and a girl called hail stone who are lost in the Amazon jungle"
I pondered for a minute and replied "only if I get to keep the Pikachu air tickets for my collection"
The guy agreed and gave me my tickets for the plane and agreed the price of £500 a week.
As I was leaving he shouted to me "oh by the way if you find another guy there calling himself Trevor MacDonald could you
bring him back also and we will give you a bonus?"
"whats the bonus"? I enquired
" we'll throw in an umbrella so you don't get wet in the rain forest".
I agreed and set off for the airport.
It took me five hundred pounds to get there or a week in layman's terms.
After I arrived and made my way through several villages, I arrived at a motorway cafe where a guy called Mitch who worked in the local bamboo making plant
explained to me how he had seen the people I was looking for, six days ago trying to change a tyre on their BMW.
They had ditched the idea though after a few hours due to not having a jack, but he explained jack did turn up later on after they had decided to walk.
I asked if he knew any good trackers, he said most of them where out searching for Trevor MacDonald, they needed to find him due to the fact their TVs only had one channel and that was ITV news and it was down at the moment.
I said my farewells and thanked the man and made my way to the motorway cafe for chips , burger and peas and a pot of Mrs miggins home made tea (oh wait that's someone Else's story)
I just had some tea and a doughnut in the end due to the expense, fifty pound for a burger was out of the question and was nearly as expensive as back home.
After my nourishment I set of to the darkest forest I had ever seen, with all kinds of strange noises, and some guy shouting "Read all about it" and waving a copy of the telegraph about.
I couldn't believe my ears when someone shouted back could they have yesterdays edition for half price! Some people !
I made my way through the weeded undergrowth with trusty penknife in hand, when suddenly a werewolf like creature pounced out at me and screamed "who goes there?"
I explained pinned down to the floor by the creatures
big strong arms, I was a Private investigator looking for someone,
"its not Trevor is it?" the beast replied as he got off me and let me stand up.
"No its seven gnomes and a young girl" I replied.
"Good" said the beast as he started pulling the mask off he was wearing and low and behold there stood Trevor MacDonald.
He explained how he just wanted to be left alone and only came here as a last resort because he couldn't take the hassle of working in a soup factory anymore which he had took when he retired from ITV.
It had been hard he explained living here but the mice and rats tasted nice after awhile
and the money the natives paid was better than ITV.
I asked him if he had seen the other people that I was looking for, to which he replied "yes he had"
and the last he had seen of them was when they had signed up for some TV show about celebrities being in a jungle and that this years show was in the Amazon and not Australia.
Apparently were doing well and two guys called Gaz and Dave or Daz and grave, were running it.
"I thought they had to be celebrities to be part of that show?"
"No its all a hoax" he said "they just dress up like famous people, the public will believe anything".
I asked Trevor if he would comeback with me but he turned me down due to the fact he had a good thing going scarring people who believed he was a beast called the werewolf of darkest Asia !!
I told him he was in Africa but he said it had a good ring to the title so it had stuck on him and the local people paid him for all the publicity they were getting.
I said my farewells and got off, back to England were the guy from the agency refused to pay me because he reckons I never tried hard enough.
It didn't worry me though I still had my Pikachu tickets and a special badge also that they gave out on the way home which was a good bonus.(better than an umbrella I thought) it didn't even rain till I got back.
when I got home my wife was extremely angry with me and said she had to go the kwik save in the end because she couldn't wait any longer for me to get back from Marks and Spencers.
My dinner was in the microwave and some guy had rung asking if I could take a job involving a unexplained fire in a Bamboo factory near a motorway in Africa.
I looked up shook my head and said "its OK dear its probably Jack"
SNAP,CRACKERS & HACK
I woke up early one Sunday morning to the noise of my printer coming on
so I scurried downstairs like an inquisitive mouse, wondering what was going on.
My PC apparently had a mind of its own "called Burt" I laughed as my printer tried to print off a message that said -A-NK--, In big giant letters, I wondered how this was possible
seeing as I hadn't reprogrammed this to happen nor did I even have ink in my printer.
I looked in horror as the words "Destroy " came on my screen and a little smilie face appeared and as if by magic announced " gotcha Steve "
I unplugged my PC from the wall and all went blank.
Cautiously and slowly I switched it back on to see loads of machine code flash before my eyes and something called hard drive dissolve.
You have an intruder the message said and your machine will be destroyed hahaha ..... I laughed as this must be an April fools joke or the millennium bug actually worked after all.
Then there was nothing and my PC died...
I tried everything I knew but nothing worked.
I rang my help line who left me on hold for three days before switching me over to a different tune,they then told me the system was down for my area and could I ring back later!
I rang back the next day and was finally put though to an Asian guy who didn't speak much English and informed me he was actually in India, I wondered how he was going to fix it from that distance
and surely he would have to be in the British Isles to give me directions.
I explained to him that my PC would not work and he told me to unplug it from the wall !!
I explained that this was by no means sensible as it would never work with no electricity unless there was a hidden plunger or dumper truck handle somewhere.
Unamused he explained this cleared the system and I would be able to reboot it now.
Within minutes he had it booted up to the black screen with writing and numbers all over it I think he called it the base or Bias or something like that.
Anyway he talked me through the process and then announced that a 1278654rtfg chip wasn't covered by their warranty and I would have to get it fixed myself.
Apparently the 1278654rtfg2 was in fact covered but only on Tuesdays and not Sundays, but not to worry if I waited till Friday the 5th September 2008 they were applying this chip to their warranty so I would get it done then.
I said something annoying about cricket to him and slammed the phone down.
It was not going to be that easy I thought so I went to PC world and bought a new PC, looking back now it was a bad decision and I found out later it had the
same chip in as the other one as well as a few others I didn't recognise like Asus ( maybe they spelt it wrong) and Intel, these were strange things indeed and I noted down in my diary to mention them to the next person I rang for help.
when all my new machine was up and running, I decided to get a programme called Norton as this was supposed to help you stop virus's and things although I already had a cold and a blistering headache.
After boiling the disc for the third time it didn't taste any different than the first time and I still had a banging headache but now I had a awful plastic taste on my tongue.
I threw it away in the end due to it not conforming to the sell by date rule and I might add it never even had one!
It was around this time I received a telephone bill or should I say my wife.
£6765.34p was alittle accessive concidering the pc was only £600 (maybe it was that chip and that's why they don't insure it I explained to my wife)
The sofa isn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be!
I have just read in a magazine that there are people called Hackers and Crackers who break into your PC when your not looking and steal all your money in your bank account.
I thought this was rather extreme due to my bank being up the road and nowhere near
my PC.
Typical scaremongering I thought.
The Crackers were people who scammed you by asking for your details and by chance of luck people actually gave them,
they then went on to empty your account of all the spoils.
I recently thought back to the nice chap who emailed me asking me to sign up for "help the subliminal message group" by donating money , I agreed and sent him my details, he could take some money on their behalf but I reckon he was genuine as he emailed
me back to thank me wholeheartedly and was too nice to be a cracker.
After putting all my stuff back on my new PC I received a message saying "hello and welcome to the net, please stand back breathe in and put your hands over my mouth as in disbelief"
I did as I was told as a hand came on the screen showing two fingers and then slowly moved up and down.
Then my screen went blank!!
CARD SHARKS
A long long time ago in a place far far away just up the road from me, lived a man called Lucky Duke
He was called Lucky Duke because he won a lot at online poker. I had heard he was getting ready for the biggest tournament around "the black chip carnival"
so I had started chatting to Lucky in order to gain access to this tournaments was the big one and I wanted in sooooo bad.
anyway I arrived at Luckys home and he invited me in and poured me a drink.
He explained to me that this was a special tounament that was held at a special meeting place where each person was allowed to bring only one person
as a guest who by chance could also play.
I was thrilled at this opportunity and we eagerly set off for the venue in middle eastern Birmingham.
We arrived in good time and at this point we two were the first there, the guy on the door checked our finger prints and DNA to make sure we were who we said we were
and then let us into the Hate hate hate club, which was underneath mothercare in the city center, well when I say under mother care what I mean is it was a disused mine shaft
that was long forgotten and we were now heading down hundreds of feet in a lift.
six hours later and a train ride through unbelievable crystal mines all lit up, we arrived at a big cavern with huge black £25 chips all around the walls like pictures.
A nice looking girl came up and welcomed us to the cavern and beckoned us to follow her over to the bar where two massive doormen stood.
Each one held a baseball bat and called each other Benny which I thought was cool (make note to join the Benny gang)
while at the bar the nice girl on the entrance door announced each person as they arrived for the tournament, I was intrigued to learn Diggerty Jim was here and his mate
manfold (he should have been called Jiggerty dim because he was just that DIM)
2 hours later and six pints I was starting to feel a little tipsy so I needed a pick me up " bar tender a pint of Pernod " I said .
I downed the pint in one go, when someone kindly helped me up off the floor I made my way to the poker table number 3 with lucky (okay I exaggerated a little
!!) Lucky escorted me to table number 3 (well carried me ) where we both sat facing each other, to my right was dead eyed dick the candle maker and his friend
I didn't know but he had a twitch in his eye every time he looked over to dead eye.
The first hand to me seemed a little odd and I exclaimed to the dealer that 5 aces seemed a little bit strange to me, to which he informed me the Pernod was strong in here and
I had only 1 ace the other 4 cards were fives.
The cards were re dealt and I sat looking at 5 hearts and a good old flush. just then one of the bouncers with the baseball bat went over to the next table along and whacked
some guy over the head with it exclaiming he was out of chips and out the game, they dragged him off and threw him out.
this was a little worrying seeing as I had a two of hearts a three of spades a seven of clubs an eight of diamonds and a ten of clubs in my new hand with only two chips left
it was at this point I thought of my head ache or the one I was going to get.
funny thing was I won that hand with ten high (can you believe that?)
Just then the wall came crashing in and and an underground digger came smashing through the wall, "Hi" cried some guy who jumped from the digger "i'm looking for the mine exit, does anyone
know which way it is?"
Everyone calmly pointed upwards and carried on playing cards, I watched as the guy walked over to the lift and pressed the button.
We won our round and went over to the bar where a strange man in a wholly hat sat starring at the digger now sitting half in and half out of the wall.
"Apparently that guy was lost in the tunnels since 1987" said the guy whose name we later found out was Two tone George, He went on to explain how he worked
in a pet shop and he was only here because his mate needed a partner to play with.
I didn't remember much after that only I woke up in a alleyway next to Lucky with what seemed a very bad headache, I presumed it was a hangover from the Pernod
until lucky explained the Benny gang threw us out for cheating and leaving the table unannounced.
"That's the last time I go anywhere with you Lucky, you certainly don't fit your name description and I'm sure you missed the UN bit off somewhere along the line".
I made my way home where I was met by my wife who asked if I had been drinking & gambling? I replied I had had a few drinks but would never gamble as it was a bad habit
and why would she ask, to which she replied "I was just wondering why you smelt like a brewery and had three aces stuck to your butt"?.
Isn't my wife a diamond ?
Magnetism
I wanted to sort out a problem I had been having for ages on the net and that was...
I kept getting emails from two Polish people demanding money, one was from a woman named
Catherine and the other email was from a guy named Isaac.
The woman lived in Warsaw and was deeply in love with me.
She wanted to come to England and spend the rest of her life with me.
I needed to send her $20,000 for her train fare,
I now know why she wanted to get out of Poland with train fares that expensive,
I mean our trains are expensive but that figure is a little extreme to say the least.
The other guy, Isaac, said he wanted to give me money and set me up in shares in his company,
he explained to me how he needed my passport and birth certificate for identification
so he could get his business moving through my account!
I was a little suspicious about this however,
because he suggested I send them to an address,which he said was in a box!
They must be really poor in these countries to live in boxes,
I wonder who lived next door in box 666?
It would be scary to live at that number I thought.
I emailed Isaac and explained I didn't like to send documents through the post,
because the boxes might get mixed up so maybe I could come and meet him instead.
Because I was going to be in Poland I decided to email Catherine.
I explained to her I was going to be in Warsaw and was it possible to meet her,
as it was really convenient and cost effective to do both transactions at the same time.
I received emails from both parties agreeing to the meeting,
So I set out for the great shores of Poland (not realising it wasn't on the coast, I packed my swimming trunks and gas mask).
After 23 days of travelling and six thumb shots later, I arrived in Dover where I was to catch the ferry over to Calais. This was great I thought to myself as
I munched on a tin of sardines I found in the bottom of my rucksack, good job I packed these for my Scotland trip 15 years ago, they really do come in handy and the fish has really kept its flavour and mushy texture.
Sitting on that ferry I thought myself really lucky to be British and be able to travel around as much as I did.
I met some guy on the ferry called Albert and he reminded me of a poor version of Santa Claus due to the fact he had a white shiny beard and a pointed red hat with a white bobble on the end, he explained he was going to the North Pole
to gather his reindeer (I thought this was really uncanny and moved away from him, making the excuse of " I'm English and didn't understand French".
I believe Pontius Pilot said the same thing when he met Santa Claus, but he nailed him to a cross.
After I arrived in Calais I took the N43 out of Calais and on route to Des Hauts Champs and on through France, It took me a year to get to Poland as I got lost along the way a few times,
but I managed to see quite a few places along the way having visited Andorra, Monaco, San Marino, Italy, back through San Marino, Switzerland
Austria, Czech Republic, Hungary, Slovakia, Romania, Moldova, Ukraine, Belarus , Lithuania , Kaliningradskayu and then finally arriving in Poland, it took me a further year however to find Warsaw!
I arrived at the hotel where I was staying and was met by Isaac and Catherine, they were long lost lovers apparently and couldn't thank me enough for bringing them back together.
It's funny how opposite poles attract isn't it?
At least going home I thought might be a little quicker as Catherine gave me directions to the border and a huge hand with a big thumb on it in red, so I could be seen better in the snow blizzards.
A really kind person called Sid picked me up and took me all the way to Calais where he said he was meeting a guy who had a wagon from Kosovo and he had some passports he had to deliver to him and maybe he could take me
the rest of the way due to the fact he was going to the UK himself, what a really nice man I thought and what a coincidence.
We met a huge guy named Mario takealot just outside Calais and we exchanged laughter and bowings with each other before Sid explained to Mario that I was English and I needed a lift over to the UK.
Mario was really excited at meeting a British guy and shook my hand frantically saying he would be honoured, so I jumped in Marios cab and we set off towards thea Calais ferry port.
I asked him what he was delivering and Mario replied he had some Welsh dragons made from alabaster which needed to be delivered to a place called Swansea, and had I
ever heard of the plac ? I told him I had and I could take him there if he wanted when we arrived in the UK.
We sailed through customs and I took Mario to a little backstreet in Swansea that he had written down on a crumpled piece of paper.
When we arrived to my amazement Mario opened the back of the lorry and out jumped 687 Kosovans and all headed towards a large warehouse, I asked Mario who they were,
to which he replied that each one carried a dragon, as this was the Kosovan custom where he was from, I thought this was the best thing I had ever seen and I couldn't believe how these people stuck together and really gave 100% to their work.
Mario took me home where my wife was frantically worried over where I had been for the past two years. I explained I had been to Poland and helped raise some oidz (their little poles)
The only oidz you will be getting is steroids she exclaimed as she hit me with a saucepan, and as the daylight was slowly fading, I looked up from the floor and said " do they come in packets of two then?".
laced with love
I keep getting emails saying if you can't see this email click here, well it must not have been there because I couldnt see them.
I didnt know where to click because the page was blank apart from "if you cant see this message click here".
Anyway after pondering this dilema for a few hours as it really did puzzle me, I decided to check out the new pixel site which apparently fits
millions of advertisers on one page, great if you are trying to find a company I thought, its so easy to find apixel among millions, in fact I couldnt even find the site!
so my investigations took me to a site called " bomb making and its dangers" now thats a very weird site, one minute its there the next its not!!
I managed to get through a window of opportunity and find out why everyone thought this site was a blast.
Did you know you can make a bomb with an old hankie some celotape and some vinyl records of Tom Jones. all you do is wrap the record in the hanky
celotape it up and send it to Cliff Richard , it doesn't blow up but it makes Cliff cry, and stops him singing for an hour or two.
It was around this time that, I was sitting minding my own business when there was a knock on the door, and when I answered it, there stood a man in a Gorilla suit, with the biggest lips I had ever saw.
I asked him if his name was Pete Best, but he just grumbled no and slammed a envelope in my hand and made me sign for it, then I remembered it was my new post man.
I opened the envelope and to my surprise it was a company called " poems r 4 u and 4 me . com who had invited me to Washington to attend a seminar in honour of all men with black socks who could read and write and knew a poem or two when they saw it.
so I decided to take them up on their offer, and rang the estate agent to book me a flight to Washington ( I always ring the estate agents for flights because they know nothing about selling houses)
Two days later I was on A flight to Washington and my name getting put on their coverted award (the golden shoelace)
Anyway I arrived in good time and decided it would be best to write a poem for my speach .....
so I thought maybe if I stuck to the topic I would surely win
so I wrote the following
I was in the washington area
looking over a shimmering brook
when a man gave me some shoelaces
that were gold and which I took
He said, Steve you are a winner
we salute you to no end
you are, our poet, our winner
and to most, you are our friend
I knew I was to good here
and you would give away the prize
to the best guy on the podium
thank you girls and guys
I salute your shiney faces
and thank you from my heart
I rubbed the shiney laces
and put them in my cart.
Now I wasnt going to give up the golden laces for anything and all the people there looked on in disbelief as I walked up to the front of the room and pushed the guy speaking out the way.
Hello everyone and I would like to thank you for inviting me here to this seminar.
everyone booed and whispered and looked shocked as I went on to read my poem out.....
There was a kind of silent atmosphere and then a little face in the crowd shouted "kill the bass" well that's what it sounded like and for a moment I wonderd how there came to be a fish at the front
of the room.
The first punch took the wind out my sails and the second didn't do anything for my family payments, but I managed to get out from underneath the huge
amassed amount of bodies now piled up on the stage ... and run. I looked back just as I got through the door to see a thin guy with a hammer running down the aisle towards me.
I couldn't think of anything while I was running through the crowded streets apart from "I wonder why they didn't like my poem?"
I got to my hotel room and flopped down on the bed, looked up I decided it was the best time to recite a new poem, so I took notes of the following rendition.
I stated my case with the men in the cloaks
I gifted them all with my poems and jokes
but they never came up and gave me my laces
but stood there angry with glowing red faces
I know I am better than those fellows with caps
and certainly better than songs with those raps
I could have done better I finally thought
those people in black looked like they could have been bought.
So I think i'll go home with my tail tucked in low
I didnt even think to give a curtsey or bow
so im going to catch the plane home today
seeing as I never really got things my way
Good bye to this city and maybe some day
I will come back and win in a charming way
those laces made of gold on the bright shiney tray
the ones that would have made me stay.
I folded the poem up in an envelope and popped it in the post to the seminar officer.
I made my way to the airport and boarded my plane, noticing a newspaper protruding out of the seat in front,
I noticed a story about some guy who had disrupted a funeral, apparently he had pushed the deceased father off the podium and began reciting poetry to a
crying crowd about shoelaces. he then proceeded to laugh at everyones crying and then ran off laughing and yelping about a brook.
The reporter on the scene stated it was the worst case of insult he had ever seen and the guy should be locked up.
The mourners decided to cancel the funeral as they just couldn't take anymore, especially after the death of Mr Henderson.
Apparently he had been killed by a group of thugs who stole his money tied his hands up with his own shoe laces and threw him into the local river where he drowned.
I read the news in horror and wondered who in the right mind would do such a terrible thing and I couldnt wait to get back to my own country where it was nice and peaceful!!
Yakety yak
The sandman, the tooth fairy, mary poppins and Jake the peg all live in North Yorkshire in a little town called Halifax.
They all run a site called soiled and disguised underwear for over sized gentlemen and meet from time to time to discuss dimensions.
They don't mind new members so I decided to join and play along with their antics due to the fact I couldn't believe they could actually make these items
in a rubber solution found only in outer mongolia from a rubber tree that grows only in one valley
which is culturevated by woman with red hair!
I decided I would investigate this phenomenom and set out for Mongolia, it was hard going and eventually I found a man willing (well I say willing but he actually had to be bribed) to take me to
Mongolia where apparently there was a rain forest (yea there is)
anyway three yaks later and a bike ride across some farm we reached Leeds airport where sick Eddie was meeting us with his private plane (well thats what he called it)
I called it a hovercraft with wings as it just kinda flew along the ground for miles until finally it hedgehopped and just missed the treelines.
I sat and gazed at the millions of sheep now passing like bugs below us, I prized my fingers out of the seats and asked Eddie if he had been flying long?
"what do you mean he asked me ?" "never mind" I replied "I don't really want to know".
He opened the window and threw a big bucket of brownish liquid out of the window and shouted"bon voyage"
I asked him what he was doing and he replied "emptying last months toilet" he explained he had forgotten to do this, so was doing it now.
I thought to myself, God there goes the neighbourhood, I noticed we were flying over Skipton so decided there wasn't a problem after all.
six days later and a Beef caserole supper that Eddie brought with him in another large container (well it did taste Beefish I must admit) we arrived at
a large wasteland of reeds and grass.
We got out the plane and stretched our now dead legs, I knew I was ok because the thrombosis had well gone by now and I was on my third lot of tranquilisers.
Eddie said something about staying there till I got back as a rock hit him in the head and some weird looking guy in a tangerine suit came up and said
" hi Guys, have you seen any owls around here?"
I said "no" and and walked away, I walked for forty days and forty nights until I came to a little villiage of one shack and a pub with a sign saying Little Chef.
I knocked on the door and was invited in by a dark looking girl with green hair.
"Out for a stroll are we sir ?" she asked me.
"No im looking for the ginger haired temptress's" I told her who made knickers from trees.
"Oh you mean Agnes & Joss"?
"maybe" I said cautiously.
They live over that hill in the distance with some yaks and an old man who has a bag of balls.
I thanked the girl and made my way to the distant hills, five days later I finally found them but there were no trees and no old man.
Only an old looking shack were two massive women lived, I couldn't believe it, all this way and they didn't even have red hair!
They explained they sent their underwear to these silly people on the net who pay them large amounts of money for them.
what they did was put on some new stuff, plough the fields with the yaks and then ship em off, and that was just the yak underwear.
the larger stuff the women used were wore for a few months!!
I decided this wasn't what I expected and started to walk away when everything went dark!
I woke up to the smell of lard burning and burnt hair and then I realised it was the hot poker now sticking to the side of my head.
Agnes suddenly warned me to shut up and why was I here? I replied "seeking the knowledge of the red haired babes who made underwear from rubber trees".
Agnes beat me with the poker and said I was a liar.
Joss hissed at me and spoke in a weird language ( I think it was Geordie) and then the door opened and in sprang Eddie "hi m8" he said as he shot the two women
with tranquilliser darts. "These two have been conning people all over the net he said but we just couldn't prove it till now".
He explained how he was an undercover agent for OMO & Daz and that the lever brothers knew about the little scam these people were up to.
apparently they were laundering underwear on the black market. " Amazing" I said " I cant believe the things some people get up to".
"Theres one thing I dont get" I said to Eddie
"whats that?"
Why is Daz so bothered about two people selling solied underwear?
"They want these type of people to stop selling dirty underwear because eventually everyone will want them dirty and no one will buy their washing powder".
"Oh I see" I said as we walked back towards the plane "so you could say it was a clean sweep then" ? I laughed and Eddie patted me on the back and said "Surfs up son surfs up"
When I arrived home my wife asked me where I had been, to which I replied "making a new song with some of my freinds called Yaketty yak don't come black till four till four till four"
Game on
I received an email today asking me to take on another case so I decided to accept because it sounded interesting,
it was a countdown of days until I could meet with the guy.
He had arranged to meet me in a local pub where lots of people played darts.
While I was there someone hit the bulls eye and had to buy everyone a round of drinks.
This is of course was what the rules said on the front door as you came in.
I was glad I hadn't played as I was skint.
Anyway I met this guy called Jeremy Beadle who wanted me to go to Peru and find some game show hosts.
They had apparently been kidnapped by a tyrant who was keeping them prisoner for his own enjoyment.
He was making them do game shows and his name was Noel Edmunds.
His plan was to rule the game show host and host them all over the internet.
He then would rule the game show and no one would ever see one again.
I thought about this for a few minutes “no game shows “I said "cool”!
But then I thought about all the grannies and people who relied on these shows.
He offered me a thousand pounds and free air tickets.
I agreed, after all It was a wheel of fortune out there and anything could happen.
I asked for two thousand :)
He reminded me not to press my luck to much as I could end up in Jeopardy.
I took the money he gave me and headed for the airport,
this money wont change my life I thought and who wants to be a millionaire anyway.
I boarded the plane and contemplated what I was going to do when I got to Peru.
Obviously there would be Dolly dealers to contend with and maybe even some Hollywood squares, but I wasn’t deterred.
There had to be a weakest link somewhere I thought, but so far this was becoming a knightmare.
I relaxed on the flight and thought of the odds of me coming out of this alive.
It must have been about fifteen to one with a high five challenge.
To tell the truth I was in the hot seat and it was getting hotter by the hour.
I would have to be a mastermind to pull this off and I knew Noel was no fool.
Him and his accomplice Bruce Forsyth played a good game.
I thought maybe I could buy them back if the price is right.
I decided the best way to deal with the situation was to make a deal, that’s it I thought "lets make a deal".
I got off the plane and headed for my hotel which had been booked in advance.
Maybe I was being watched as this was known as a big brother state and foreign visitors
Where nearly always deemed as suspicious.
Jeremy had offered me a double or nothing award to get them all back safe but the stakes were high so I turned him down.
This wasn't going to be as easy as I first thought,
and it was like a treasure hunt where I was playing for big stakes with masters of combat.
I made my way to my contact Bernie the bolt, who informed me the captives were being held in a large Pyramid in the desert.
He took me as far as he could without drawing to much attention to the fact he was carrying a huge crossbow.
I was then on my own.
I switched clothes to something more comfortable and less suspicious.
I wore a bright coloured green suit with gold lining, with a bright red and gold collar to match.
It had a bright yellow tie and white shirt, green trousers with gold turn ups and white shoes finished the dream look.
I admired myself in my compact mirror, Perfect I thought,
No one would ever guess who I was like this.
I made my way to a distant Pyramid where I knew they were all being held.
When I arrived at the pyramid I checked it out and found a small back door to a huge chamber within.
God this was like a crystal maze I thought.
There were lots of chandeliers laying about the room all broken and smashed.
Just then there was a huge Smush and another chandelier crashed to the floor.
I was nearing the vault now and I could hear talking.
I tried to listen to the noises coming from ahead when all of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder,
I spun around to see a gun pointed at my head and a large man dressed in a pink studded suit.
He said " welcome to the pleasure dome we have been expecting you".
I told him I was lost and I liked his fluffy pink boots.
He told me to shut up and if I didn't want to be under the soles to keep moving.
He then proceeded to lead me to a huge inner chamber.
This was where all the hosts where being held.
They where all fastened to the walls by large chained links.
All around were about fifty people some I recognised some I never.
How could this tyrant get away with so much I thought, this was enough to test a nation.
Just then Noel and Bruce came in, they looked me up and down and Bruce exclaimed "Good game good game"
"Your shoes are odd" said Bruce.
"I know “I replied "but I knew I wouldn’t get anything for a pair in here".
Noel butted in sharply and commented I did have a choice if I wanted to live.
I could open a few boxes of chance for life.
He then asked "is it a deal or no deal"?
"deal” I agreed.
"It will be a super match game" said Noel as some Dolly dealers came in with a huge pack of cards.
"You won't get away with this" I exclaimed as I was lead to "the Chair" and shown my wheel of fortune.
"I'm a mastermind" said Noel "you won't beat me".
I watched as Bruce’s Dolly dealers dealt some cards out.
Just then Bruce thrust a red button pad in my hand an told me to press when I knew an answer.
So I pressed it and a chandelier fell from the roof and killed the guy in pink.
I pulled myself out of the chair and grabbed a huge ace of diamonds, which I threw at Bruce knocking him off his feet and unconscious.
Noel started to run so I threw my lucky seven at him, catching him in the back of his head.
He lay dazed and confused.
I stood on his hand which was slowly moving for his gun.
I exclaimed "never call my bluff Noel" and he went out like a light.
I untied everyone and we all made a beeline for the exit.
It was like one large supermarket dash.
We all hurried across the desert and on to freedom.
Les Dennis asked me if I would like to come and work for him making families their fortunes.
I told him I just didn't have the time, and I had been singled out to do great things with my life.
I arrived back in the UK three weeks later after getting across the border and flying back through Bolivia.
It opened my eyes to a whole new ball game, and I thought I was a winner in the end.
I couldn't understand why Noel had done what he had done and it was beyond reason,
but one thing was sure it was a knockout of
an idea and as Monte hall would say "it was all done in a split second".
I got home and told my wife all about it.
She said she would have liked to have met Noel Edmunds as he was her favourite after Des O’Conner.
After hearing the facts she said "well you know what they say"?
I said "no what"?
"You don't know Jack” she said and then finished with. "It’s all in a game"
Around the world on 80 graves
It was a really dark morning and the sun shone through the blinds, I told them to move so I could read my note from Martha moonstone.
It was a letter asking me to play the grave game.
I had been waiting for this all year since we played the pin the tail on the nun game.
This was going to be the best yet.
The rules were simple.
Go to 80 major cities on the list, visit each pink painted grave and the first letter on the headstone jot it down.
When you have all 80 letters, you unscramble them all. It will then read a secret message with instructions after following the instructions you get the password
you then find the nearest pc and post the message on the forum and you win yourself $10,000.
This was great, this was my year I could feel it. The letter stated I had to go to Leeds in Yorkshire first, so I made my way to Holbeck cemetery.
Died in loving arms of wife to be Sarah was the first one so I jotted down the letter "D" This was great I thought but a rather expensive game to play.
In the flower pot was a note with instructions to the next cemetery. It also stated I must place it back in the pot so the next person may read it.
The next cemetery on the list was Father La chaise Cemetery in Paris; this took me five weeks to walk around to find the pink grave because it is the biggest cemetery I have ever seen.
109 acres it was and I covered most of it.
I found the first letter which was "L" on an old looking grave which was in French, so I couldn’t understand it, Fancy writing it in a foreign language I thought, that’s really inconsiderate, but I did notice the opening words were Les Sicko.
So it could have been a man or woman.
The next six grave yards yielded six of the letter "S" and it took me six weeks to find them all, however they were all in the UK so that was lucky.
My next trip was a little harder and it was situated in Australia, in a grave yard called Warm springs Methodist cemetery, this was however a challenge because all access was denied to this place due to
historical circumstances so I had to be really careful, I found the grave and I was just about to sneak back over the fence, when someone tapped me on the shoulder
and said "hello blue" It was Two Tone Pete the laughing undertaker, I had known him for a good few years now and we always had a good laugh in various pubs dotted along our challenges
"Hello Pete, how’s it going?"
"not to bad Steve, but we better not get caught in here, the guy actually shoots you"
"He wouldn’t shoot you would he for coming in a cemetery?"
"Of course he will, Steve"
he handed me a piece of paper with a place name on it and told me to meet him there this evening for a good drowning of beer and fun.
I agreed and said "bye" and he left. I walked over to the grave and pulled out a note from under the white stones all over the top of the grave, it
said the next one was in Manchester, these are really spaced out I thought from country to country.
The grave made me laugh and read the following message.
A man with no name lies here on this spot
he drank every day and smoked loads of pot
he died in a most peculiar way
I the wife shot the b*&^%%d today
I now had the letter "A".
Just then I heard a little rustle to my right in the bushes and I turned to see this really angry black and white stripped man pointing a shotgun at me.
I smiled and ran for cover as the headstone smashed into smithereens by my head, I ran as fast as I could and didn't look back.
That night I met up with Pete and he asked me how I got on with old supervisor, and did I see him, I explained I did and that I nearly had my head blown off.
Pete laughed and said he knew because it was him who had informed the guy there was someone in his cemetery painting some grave pink!
I laughed and called him some really abusive name but it was worth it as he bought me a drink.
When I got back to the UK I headed up to Manchester, I spent two weeks there trying to find a cemetery called Franklin but for the life of me I just couldn’t find it.
I got in touch with Martha and she sent me the following information:
Location: In Manchester on the south side of West Nimisila Road, west of where W. Nimisila Road intersects with Manchester Road.
Status: 87 acres owned by the Franklin Twp. Trustees, Manchester Cemetery
Franklin Twp, Summit County, Ohio.
Oh my God I thought I'm in the wrong country, so I arranged a flight from Manchester airport(in the UK) and flew across the pond to the one I should have been
in, in Ohio. This was a strange looking place I thought as I marched across some scrublands, but I got there in the end.
The grave in question wrote:
Victor was a wise old man
He loved his ale and women
I shot his butt on an upward stream
believe me, he wasn't swimming.
After six months of traipsing around the planet I finally got to my last grave in Bootle, Merseyside. The grave read:
Peel here because that’s all that Jack did!
I had all 80 letters now so sat down to decipher them, just then a voice said, "It’s finished".
It was my lovely wife, "It finished three months ago, but you never bothered to ring me, so I let you wander around the everglades or wherever it is
you have been hanging around".
"Who won?" "Pete she said, he left a message on our answering machine saying Dear Steve have fun with those notes I left for you, see you soon love Pete in sunny Barbados"
" I was gutted I asked her if she knew what the words where as I couldn’t do it. She said "yes Steve they say, when you get the message please push hard on the
grave stone the password inside will be revealed.
I went over and pushed the grave it just fell over and underneath was note that read "ass kicked again Pete"
" I'll get that Pete " I mumbled as I was lead away by my wife laughing, "Don’t worry Steve " she said " there’s always next year, well this year ha-ha.
Out of all the graves I found the best one was for a builder called Terry I told here and the message wrote,
My mate Terry was an unlucky sod
He fell down a chimney and landed on his hod
He never finished his house that he recently bought
because the silly sod, Terry was a few bricks short.
I bet there are loads like this I told her, "yes Steve there probably is" she laughed.” And when you die, I’m going to write:
See saw Margery door
when he died he hit the floor
I wrote this as a general pun
in the end the wifey won.
I laughed and we went home.
Recipe of love
I decided to cook something really special for after our dinner, so I decided to bake a cake; I looked glycerine & sugar up in Google to see if there were any recipes for these items.
These were the only two ingredients I had.
10 minutes later the armed police response team, including three helicopters and seventy six armed policemen stormed my house.
The first officer through the door told me to get on the floor.
There was no need however because the blast from the front door made me do that already.
I did however ask him if I could use the bathroom before we left.
36 hours later and 17 different statements I was released from the holding cell.
As I was leaving the officer on the desk (Dave if I can remember rightly)
said " Steve don't forget the icing sugar when you do that cake and you promised me a piece".
This was becoming the hardest thing yet to do and all I wanted to do was bake a cake.
I got home and settled down in front of my pc once again and decided it was a little dangerous to use the sugar word again so decided to do caramel.
I got a recipe called Vietnamese caramel sauce, which sounded disgusting as it was made from fish stock, caramel, shallots and ground pepper.
I wish I had Jamie Oliver here to help me I thought.
He was known as the naked chef, so I wouldn't want him cooking my sausages for me.
I would have asked Gordon Ramsey but he scares me and would only swear at me for not knowing what to make with sugar.
I decided the best bet was to visit some online groups who dealt with recipes.
I scanned all the food and dining, and then wine, beer and spirits groups on MSN and found
a group who had members who came out to you with a service called Food for thought escorts, This was a great site and they baked and cooked loads of stuff.
They even made cream doughnuts to order, mmmmmm I loved those and the pink ring ones.
I emailed someone called Silky Simon who apparently even dressed up for it. He emailed me back and said he would love to cook something up for me and he
could come around to my house or I could visit him.
I decided to visit him because I didn't want my wife to find out about the special surprise I was doing for her.
I packed my apron and my large cooking spoon, and set off to Simons, lucky for me I didn't have to go far as he lived in the same city.
I hopped on a train bound
for Speke, this was our local airport town where John Lennon had been named as airport manager.
On the train I had the urge to hum a Simon and Garfunkel song and then as I started to get into it by the rhythm of the train the woman opposite to me began to tap her foot, soon the whole carriage was humming and singing " I'm sitting on a railway station" we sang as the train pulled into the central underground station.
A guy got on and sat opposite to me where the woman had been sitting and started to pick his nose, he pulled out this huge mass of sticky mush and wiped it down the front of his shirt.
"That’s disgusting" I said to him.
"Oops sorry" he said and with his forefinger and thumb scrapped it off his shirt and put it in his mouth, then he casually looked up and said " I was saving it until later but
its better warm" and I don't want you getting angry with me do I?"
I looked away and pretended I didn't understand what he was talking about, But I couldn't help but notice he had a twitch and suffered from Tourette’s, because he kept looking at me winking and saying
wanna shag, and swearing at me. I told him I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of feeding his offspring from his nose and moved down the carriage.
I sat next to a really pretty blonde girl and kept wishing she gave me the same question as the previous person, but then my memory came flooding back to me, that I was married
so I sat back into my seat and looked out the window pretending not to be looking at her through the corner of my eye, and I thought to myself it would have been nice to have been asked though.
I got off the train and made my way to Simons house, but when I got there nobody was at home, that's strange I thought he knew I was coming, so I decided to go to MacDonald’s over in the
trading estate, I ordered a double sausage and egg muffin and a cup of tea and sat down to watch the 72 thousand young toddlers throwing themselves about the ballroom.
Balls were being thrown all over the room and all you could hear was "Jeremy stop doing that" and then this little boy grabbed my muffin from out of my hand and his mum grabbed it from him like a Heron grabs a fish and shouted
“put that down you have your own hamburger, sorry mate” she handed me this squeezed mushy looking thing that looked like a cross between a sausage Mac muffin and Pete Burns.
I peeled it from her greasy hand and said "thanks love" and pushed it to one side on the paper. I’ll eat it later I thought as I wrapped it up in the paper and put it in my back pocket.
I sipped my tea (you had to because it was like trying to drink molten steel) and thought of the cake I was going to bake.
It definitely had to have millions of thousands on it because my daughter loved to count them, and it kept her quiet for a day or two.
I wanted a cherry on top also as I loved cherries.
I finished my tea and walked back around to Simon’s house.
I rang the bell and waited, suddenly the door flew open and a voice said “well hello again, so you decided to take me up on the offer then?"
There to my disbelief and astonishment stood the guy from the train dressed in a leather basque, suspenders and a chef’s apron with a big smile on his face.
I slowly pulled my Mac muffin out of my back pocket and replied “no mate, I thought you might like this back as I think you dropped it when you left the train.
I think its mutated a bit since you last saw it on your shirt but it still feels warm to touch" he put out his hand and I put the crumpled half eaten sausage Mac muffin in the palm
of his hand, turned and walked down his path whistling the theme tune from the dam busters.
The trouble with cars
I casually announced to my wife the car was looking a bit tatty and having washed it for the first time in twenty years it was about time we invested
in a new car, for once my wife agreed with something I had said but told me not to go to friendly Georges as he was the biggest rip off this side of the Mersey.
So off I went to friendly Georges, as the name suggests he was friendly but only while you were buying a car and then he was known as rip off Dave.
When I got there George came running over to me as fast as he could, announce the fact he was really glad to see me and how was the car.
I said I needed a new motor as the one I bought from him had seen better days, he agreed and I said "I'm not impressed George you said this would last me a lifetime"
“it looks like it has" he sneered as he kicked the tyre and the wheel fell off. "Come in my office Steve and I am sure we can work something out" he said,
so I followed him into his portal cabin. This place looked older than George and believe me he makes the Roman empire look young.
I"I have the sweetest deal for you Steve" "go on” I mumbled. He looked through all the keys in the world and then announced "eureka", and pushed past me and out the door shouting "come on Steve"
I followed him onto his forecourt where he showed me this thing on wheels that looked even worse than the car I already had.
"What’s that George?"
"It’s a Fiat Mariah”
“Mariah? Who did you get that off the police?”
“Its cool Steve and it will last you a lifetime"
Now where had I heard that one before? I told him I didn't like it but he told me he could give the deal of a lifetime on it for me seeing as I was a good mate.
"Ok George what’s the deal"
George looked at my blank expression smiled and said "Fifty quid down, another fifty quid for me to tow your car to the scrap yard and then five hundred pounds a month for ten years, but it is negotionable".
I said "It certainly is so I'll go negotiate with my wife and come back"
"You won't get a better deal"
I "I think I will buy one on eBay George, yours are just too expensive."
"Suit yourself but you'll be back" George said under his breath as I walked away.
I decided the eBay bit might not be as bad an idea as I thought, so off I went home to look some cars up on eBay.
My wife informed me that George had rang and said he could do it for a hundred less a month, and she told me not to go to Georges.
Head bowed I went and sat at my trusty pc and turned it on. I couldn't find any cheap Ferrari’s on eBay UK, so I thought I would go for something
a bit less in your face so to speak, Some guy called Tim not dim was selling a 2003 Ford Fiesta with full body kit, lowered suspension, rocket launcher and sound system to kill anything that moved past it.
The advert said one lady owner who only drove on Sundays and lived in a nunnery. I found that hard to believe because why would a nun buy fluffy dice and a silver aerial, but it was cheap at just four thousand pounds, so I decided to bid on it.
My offer was the opening bid and it only had five minutes to go, I wonder why no ones bid on it? I thought.
Just then it came up with "You have been outbid" so I thought I'm not losing this, so I bid it up and I was out bid again straight away, this went on until it finished.
In the end I managed to win the car for twenty six thousand, eight hundred and fifty nine pounds. (Thank God there was no postage I thought)
I looked to see who the other bidder that was so frantically trying to buy the car and to my surprise it was Tim not dim!
That guy must really love his car I thought he really didn't want to let it go.
Poor guy he must be desperate. I emailed the guy to find out when it would be possible to come down and get the car?
Three days later the guy emailed me and told me it would be fine to come at the weekend, and he let me know his address which was in Newcastle.
I told my wife about the car and she seemed pleased until she heard the price of two thousand pounds, but I did manage to calm her down informing her it was a popular car and had some really nice extras.
I arrived at Tim’s house on the Saturday morning and the car was in the drive all polished up and waiting to go. I rang the door and this guy dressed up as a nun answered the door.
"Hi I’m Steve, I've come for the car" "The guy didn't say a word he just went over to the car opened the door and handed me the keys.
"Check the engine if you want mon" Tim said in a Squeaky Geordie womanlike voice. I asked him if he had been near any helium, to which he replied he might have been due to it being his younger sister’s birthday and he had to blow the balloons up. the car looked ok so I started her up and it roared into life, spewing black smoke all over the drive, Tim said "Don't worry about the smoke its because I put that quad pipe on instead of the single pipe and it tends to be a bit Smokey" it then back fired and cut out.
"Its just a bit cold mon" Tim said "It's because I only use it on a Sunday as stated in my auction, so it takes a bit to get it going mon".
He tried to start it again, but it wouldn't work so he asked me to give him a bump start, up and down the street we went for three hours until finally the car started and roared to life, he drove it back on his drive, where he kept it running while I began searching for dints and scratches.
I asked him why there were two huge stripes down the sides because it would look better without them. He said they were to hide the massive gouged key scratches that ran right down both sides of the car, "some people around here Steve are really jealous of me with this car, but the time has come to sell her mon"
I really felt for this guy, he really loved this car so much.
I told him he should really keep it as it had so much sentimental value.
"No Steve the people around here are threatening to burn it on me, because they are jealous so much mon" ”it’s so bad I have to drive it around at three o’clock in the morning so no one sees me”.
"Only yesterday the guy in number 42 said if I didn't stop driving it around he would burn it mon".
"He said he was sick of seeing it going up and down the street mon, so as you can see no one wants me to have it mon”.
“They will burn my car on me mon if they ever got the chance Mon".
I agreed with him and paid him the money, more out of kindness than of want of the car although I had won it fair and square on eBay. Even at that point I could see tears in his eyes.
I reassured him it would go to a good home.
I filled all the documents with him and got in the car to set off home, with the window down and the breeze blowing through the window, I waved to Tim and shouted "by the way Tim where did you buy this baby, and without hesitating or thinking Tim smiled and said " I have an uncle in your neck of the woods called George he runs a second hand car lot down there, he brings me up some cars every now and then to sell for him". I smiled wryly!
"Don't worry though he is a great guy and maybe you could call in and see him if you have any problems with it mon". "His car lot is called Friendly Georges mon”. I didn't look back I just drove.
Suddenly I hit a road block at the end of the estate and a gang of people with baseball bats dragged me out the car and began smashing the car to pieces.
I don't really remember much after that except someone saying "you're dead mon".
I woke up in hospital and the doctor was standing over me explaining I was lucky to be alive.
My wife came and picked me up two weeks later in her sisters car and explained to me things were not a total loss, as the insurance company said they would be paying out for a new car,
They had sent a cheque for the two thousand pounds the car was worth.” “That is how much you paid isn't it Steve?" I agreed ;) and told her it was a little more because I had to pay him for the tax.
"Just so long as we get our money back Steve that’s all that matters". “We can go and buy another car, this time I’m coming with you, as I know you, you will go to Georges for a easy buy".
I told her I really didn't want to go to Georges, in fact I told her, “why don't we just get keep the old car and make do with it for a few more years, I really do think its for the best”?
