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The sun shone through the stary night sky somewhere on the other side of the planet (think about it) I walked towards the house where French Teazel Tony lived, they called him that because he could peel Teazle with his teeth apparently. I knocked on the door and this Gorilla with teeth opened the door "Hi mate" I said "I'm Steve" The next day I signed myself out of hospital and went home, with two broken arms and a broken collar bone attached to me, not to mention the broken nose, bruised cheek, black eye and loose tooth, Thats the last time I ever say Hi to anyone I thought to myself. When I arrived home my wife looked at me and said "so your back then? and look at the state of you" I said "you wanna feel it" I told you not to go on ebay again didn't I? But you never listen do you?" "You know best dear I told here" It all started when my mother in law came around (she knew I had a Ebay account and wanted to help me out with some stuff) I promised myself I wouldn't give in to temptation but I'm a sucker for punishment when the mother in law threatens you with pulling your testicals off! I asked her what it was she wanted listing and she said, "A toaster, a frying pan, a working robot and an old car starter handle". Fair enough I said and listed them, it was at this point that I got a little suspicious because my mother in law had just come back from Africa and she was going on about how she hoped he didn't get out the box. I thought I might as well list some other stuff seeing as I had my keyboard out so I listed 3 pairs of jeans, a nylon worn by Ronnie biggs, (signed as well) 2 duck feathers that were used by king Arthur to get his way! a Chinese Bunion cutter, A video of never before seen footage of Michael Parkinson taking a bribe in order to have the Spice girls on his show (I expected to get a few bob for this) after all it was original and everyone knows who the Spice girls were and some might know the presenter). I also had a picture of Saddam Hussain getting in the hole (but I swear I never told anyone) This was also signed by the guy who used to come on and tell everyone how Iraq was doing. Ahmed A.N.D Dangerous I think his name was. I also had willy warmers with inner sandpaper for the added touch. Anyway I got to work and listed all the items, my mother in law said she didn't have them with her for photographic evidence so i just listed the items. Two weeks later after all the items had sold exept for the video (there must not be many Spice girls fans now !) I posted all the stuff off, all but my mother in laws they were listed as a job lot and I would deliver them (God knows why? I mean its not hard to fit them all in a box and get Royal mail to do it) My Mother in law wanted me to do it personally because she would know it had got there, I couldn't believe she got £2,000 for these items. Anyway a guy called French teazel tony had bought them and I had to take them around to his house! In Tonys house it wasn't so much that I said "hi" it was the fact the pygmy with the razor sharp toasting fork jumped out the box and stabbed him right in the butt, screaming food, food, food. I stood in amazement as tony looked in disbelief as the pigmy started putting the spit together right in his living room chanting " the wheels on the bus & Feed the world " Tony smirked and told me "This was not what he had in mind as a toaster and a working robot" to which I replied "I DIDN'T KNOW HONEST" The pigmy disapeared into the kitchen slipping under the door and Tony rushed after him, I heard screaming and banging and then screaming, then in came the pigmy carrying a bottle of soya sauce and a knapkin. Tony was trust up like a turkey and laid out in the kitchen, it was at this point I said my farewells and whistled my way out of the house not even looking back to see what was happening. As I walked out I quickened my pace until I was in full flight it was only then that I felt the bus hit me, I really should have been watching what I was doing. The rest is history although I did hear Tony was thinking of pressing charges and the pigmy disapeared into the forrest somewhere in the Scottish highlands, after hitching a ride with a party of porn stars from Dagenham. My mother in law laughed so hard when she heard and told me I was such a wuss, the moral of this is never have a take away with a pygmy and a gorilla....... as soya sauce just doesn't mix.


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