I settled down to some music on my new "easy listening for grampa's" album, I loved all the old nostalgic stuff.
I had been out all week trying to find a new needle for the wind up record player, it had never let me down in over 40 years and 40 years before that when my mum had it.
you could hear each scratch it was terrific.
While listening to the 18 incher I got some inspiration to play bang the glasses, so spoon in hand and twenty eight glasses I played along to Griff Jones & the walking violins, we strummed for at least an hour until the last glass went tish and that was that.
Just then the doorbell rang, I knew it was my doorbell because it echoed in my hall.
I went to the door and standing there was a man with a bunch of flowers, hello he said are you Steve? I replied "yes" so he shot me. As he turned to walk away I wispered "what about the flowers mate" he turned looked at me dropped his bottom lip and said "what about the flowers mate" in a whingy crying manner and then he threw the flowers on top of my head and walked off down the path,"you can have them for your funeral" a month I was in hospital and everyone wanted to know who shot me, including the guy in the next bed, called Ted.
I had no idea but I was going to find out. My wife said it might have been the guy who bought a ladder from me as he had been emailing me complaining it was six inches shorter than I had put down in my description on ebay
But I told her not to worry as he would have "RUNG" if it had have been that serious.
The next day when all the dust had settled ( I had to brush up because we had been away for a month and it was really dusty)
my wife and I were in the kitchen with the detective who was assigned to looking after us, his name was Frost, Jack Frost. He reminded me of someone but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
I looked at him and he smiled and said "you may have to move out for your own safety" "No way Pedro" I said "you'll never take me alive copper".
He smiled and said "Steve theres a mad guy out there who wants to kill you"
"I don't care the poppy man don't scare me" (we had nicknamed him the poppy man not because he threw poppies all over me but because he had a pop at me!)
"If he don't kill you shooting you he will definately get you through lead poisoning the contents of your blood stream was one part per million as opposed to a billion,
one more shot and it will double" I never felt the bullet as it hit me in the head through the back kitchen window. I woke up in intensive care and a pretty looking nurse telling me I was lucky to be alive and how many fingers did she have? "one" I said and nine others that I can't make out for all the latex. Later on when I had recovered Frost came to see me and reminded me my lead count was up on yesterdays.
I decided to take his advice and move, not through fear but my wife had never been abroad on a holiday before so I thought it would make a nice break.
Sitting here thinking now I had always wanted to go to sicilly.
Two weeks later and a few excursions we landed at Palermo airport and I read somewhere this was a region called the cradle of the mafia (I wonder who mafia is?)
I had heard that name before but didn't really take much notice to it, I think it was in a history lesson and I wouldn't have been taking to much notice in history due to the fact it was boring and me and my mate would have been playing tiddleywinks.
Some guy called big Dave met us at the airport and drove us to a villa about fifty miles away in a dense area with nothing ,no grass, no buildings, nothing not even a rock. It was here he told us we would be buried and then laughed "trust is not a word here in sicily so never trust anyone or you will die"
"In England we have a similar saying, You can trust your mum to cook your Goose but never let a bald man cook your toast" with that I slapped the guy on his bald head and stated "Did you get this shine in the sun?"
My wife lay by the pool as I looked on in horror how could Big Dave get shot, one minute he was alive the next he was dead, he lay in a pool of blood and my wife fainted and lay next to him.
I ran for the house as a bullet just skimmed my head and smashed into the woodwork. I dived in the house and dived behind the settee as the guy came running in shouting "your dead this time you creepy little B£$^&RD.
I jumped up in surprise lunged at him and struck him on the head, "enough is enough" I screamed "I am not a Ba%^$&*D".
With that I grabbed his weapon and squose it as hard as I could, he cried out in pain and dropped his gun, and this was my chance, I punched him in the face and started laying into him with everything I had.
The shadowy figure at the door caught my attention and I swung around to see the same guy in the doorway, who had delivered my flowers, laughing saying "when you've finished hitting the nice police man maybe you can stand still long enough for me to shoot you" he laughed and raised his gun. "wait! at least tell me what all this is about?"
He looked at me smiled and said "well Steve remember about six months ago when you were on a grave hunt?" I nodded "well I was in a cafe and you ate my fried bread" "And thats it?" "Yep that was my piece of fried bread and it was the last piece of bread they had, have you ever tried to eat a cooked breakfast with no fried bread?" I agreed it wouldn't be very nice and he should have asked, I would have gladly given up my fried bread. "Now you come to mention it" I said "I did notice some guy raging on at the waitress, and I was a bit miffed off myself because they didn't have any tomatoes either only beans.
The guy looked up at me raised his gun and fell to the floor. Frost stood in the doorway behind him bat in hand, " well Steve what do you reckon strike or no strike?
This guys name is toastie and he has killed loads of people pretending they had eaten his toast" "Bread" I said not toast, it was fried bread".
"Whatever" said Frost "the point is we have him now and you are safe to go home.
We got home the following day and my wife was not amused one bit "I never even got a tan" she exclaimed "don't worry dear (I always called her dear because of the antlers protruding from her head) I said
You always burn like toast anyway and then complain for days because of all the sunburn" "Oh well Steve we are home now and alive, fancy a fry up then?" she said.
"I think we are out of bread dear and a fry up just isn't the same with no bread" "Or Tomatoes" I said.