SMILIELANDTV

Fried bread

I settled down to some music on my new "easy listening for grandpa's" album, I loved all the old nostalgic stuff.

I had been out all week trying to find a new needle for the wind up record player, it had never let me down in over 40 years and for the 40 years before that when my mum had it.

You could hear each and every scratch it was terrific.

While listening to the 18 incher, I got some inspiration to play [bang the glasses], so spoon in hand and twenty eight glasses I played along to Griff Jones &

the walking violins, we strummed for at least an hour until the last glass went tish and that was that.

Just then the doorbell rang; I knew it was my doorbell because it echoed in my hall.

I went to the door and standing there was a man with a bunch of flowers, hello he said are you Steve? I replied "yes" so he shot me. As he turned to walk away I whispered

"what about the flowers mate" he turned looked at me dropped his bottom lip and said "what about the flowers mate" in a whiny crying manner and then he threw the flowers on top of my head, and walked off down the path.

"You can have them for your funeral" a month I was in hospital and everyone wanted to know who shot me, including the guy in the next bed, called Ted.

I had no idea but I was going to find out. My wife said it might have been the guy who bought a ladder from me as he had been emailing me complaining it was six inches shorter than I had put down in my description on eBay

But I told her not to worry as he would have "RUNG" if it had have been that serious.

The next day when all the dust had settled (I had to brush up because we had been away for a month and it was really dusty).

 My wife and I were in the kitchen with the detective who was assigned to looking after us; his name was Frost, Jack Frost. He reminded me of someone but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I looked at him and he smiled and said "you may have to move out for your own safety" "No way Pedro" I said "you'll never take me alive copper".

He smiled and said "Steve there's a mad guy out there who wants to kill you"

 "I don't care the poppy man don't scare me" (we had nicknamed him the poppy man not because he threw poppies all over me but because he had a pop at me!)

"If he doesn't kill you shooting you, he will definitely get you through lead poisoning the contents of your blood stream was one part per million as opposed to a billion, one more shot and it will double".

 I never felt the bullet as it hit me in the head through the back kitchen window.

 I woke up in intensive care and a pretty looking nurse telling me I was lucky to be alive and how many fingers did she have? "One" I said and nine others that I can’t make out for all the latex.

 Later on when I had recovered, Frost came to see me and reminded me my lead count was up on yesterdays.

 I decided to take his advice and move, not through fear but because my wife had never been abroad on a holiday before so I thought it would make a nice break.

Sitting here thinking now I had always wanted to go to Sicily.

Two weeks later and a few excursions we landed at Palermo airport and I read somewhere this was a region called the cradle of the mafia (I wonder who mafia is?)

I had heard that name before but didn't really take much notice to it, I think it was in a history lesson and I wouldn't have been taking too much notice in history

due to the fact it was boring and I and my mate would have been playing tiddlywinks.

Some guy called big Dave met us at the airport and drove us to a villa about fifty miles away in a dense area with nothing, no grass, no buildings, nothing.

Not even a rock.

 It was here he told us we would be buried and then laughed "trust is not a word here in Sicily so never trust anyone or you will die".

"In England we have a similar saying, You can trust your mum to cook your Goose but never let a bald man cook your toast" with that I slapped the guy on his bald head and stated

"Did you get this shine in the sun?"

It took me ages to get the bruising down on my eye.

My wife lay by the pool as I looked on in horror, how could Big Dave get shot, one minute he was alive the next he was dead, he lay in a pool of blood and my wife fainted and lay next to him.

I ran for the house as a bullet just skimmed my head and smashed into the woodwork. I dived in the house and dived behind the settee as a guy came running in shouting "your dead this time you creepy little B£$^&RD".

I jumped up in surprise lunged at him and struck him on the head, "enough is enough" I screamed "I am not a Ba%^$&*D".

With that I grabbed his weapon and squose it as hard as I could, he cried out in pain and dropped his gun, and this was my chance, I punched him in the face and started laying into him with everything I had.

The shadowy figure at the door caught my attention and I swung around to see the same guy in the doorway, who had delivered my flowers, laughing saying,

"When you've finished hitting the nice police man maybe you can stand still long enough for me to shoot you" he laughed and raised his gun. "Wait! At least tell me what all this is about?"

He looked at me smiled and said "well Steve remember about six months ago when you were on a grave hunt?" I nodded "well I was in a cafe and you ate my fried bread".

 "And that's it?"

 "Yep that was my piece of fried bread and it was the last piece of bread they had, have you ever tried to eat a cooked breakfast with no fried bread?"

 I agreed it wouldn't be very nice and he should have asked, I would have gladly, given up my fried bread.

 "Now you come to mention it" I said "I did notice some guy raging on at the waitress, and I was a bit miffed off myself because they didn't have any tomatoes either only beans".

The guy looked up at me raised his gun laughed and fell to the floor.

 Frost stood in the doorway behind him bat in hand, "well Steve what do you reckon? Strike or no strike?

This guys name is toasty and he has killed loads of people pretending they had eaten his toast".

 "Bread" I said "not toast, it was fried bread".

"Whatever" said Frost "the point is we have him now and your safe to go home".

We got home the following day and my wife was not amused one bit "I never even got a tan" she exclaimed "don't worry dear" (I always called her dear because of the antlers protruding from her head) I said

"You always burn like toast anyway and then complain for days because of all the sunburn" "Oh well Steve we're home now and alive, fancy a fry up then?"

"I think we are out of bread dear and a fry up just isn't the same without bread".

My wife laughed and said "I guess your right Steve and not only that but we don't have any mushrooms either"

(Whisper)"I don’t even like mushrooms".

Blind date

I finished waxing my moustache and twisted it in to place as the doorbell rang.

I opened the door to a burly man in a tweed suit holding a big bunch of flowers,

"hi mate" I said as he thrust the flowers into my hand and gave me a receipt to sign.

I had bought these for Jumanji the girl I was meeting later on tonight at the club which had opened on fox lane.

I went back to the oven and put my head in.

This would get my hair dry in no time!

Half an hour later I decided to light it as the gas was making my eyes water.

After cutting back the singed hairs from my scalp.

 I decided to shave my head and moustache and go as a hard b^&$%rd instead,

 I looked for my suit but I couldn't find it anywhere

So after combing the house from top to bottom with no luck,

 I decided to wear my red Rockport tee shirt,

& my over the top yellow flowery drainpipe jeans (well this was my first date in twenty seven years)

and my green jacket with "I love Lucy"on the back.

I got my musky bottle out and slapped a few drops on my head, arms and chest and smiled to myself in the mirror

 "you gorgeous hunk you, you will knock her dead"

I rang for taxi and waited.

 After about an hour I rang them back to complain about the time, to which the guy on the phone said my pizza would be ready anytime!

I rang a different taxi firm and within two minutes it arrived, I gave myself the once over in the mirror before I left, "those luminous socks glowed man".

Everyone would be able to see my Michael Jackson dance moves now in the dark.

I swaggered out to the taxi and climbed in the passenger seat, tipping my glasses I winked at the taxi driver and said

 "The Banshee club mate and there's a pound extra in it, if you get there with no creases"

He looked at me smirked and floored the accelerator.

Six miles later and a nosebleed to boot we arrived in one piece at the destination.

"That will be seventeen pounds please"

 "that's extortionate" I said,

to which he replied "no that's my wages, now your socks are extortionate, now give me my money and get out you freak"

I handed him the money to which he snarled "where's my pound, I got you here quick space" I replied something to do with him being from outer space and threw him the pound.

I walked up to the doormen and asked them what time the club shut one starred at me and said " two am mate" "you can't come in without a tie though" the other guy said so I smiled to myself placed my hand into my inside pocket and whipped out my lilac and cream starred dickey bow.

I put it on and walked through the two doormen, who were now bent over as if they were in pain with tears streaming down their faces. I wished them a good evening and proceeded to the bar.

Jumanji was waiting at the bar she looked really nice and stood with a long stemmed cocktail, I walked up and tapped her on the shoulder and as she turned I noticed the mole on her nose which was bigger than her face, she was so cross eyed that I thought, if she was to cry the tears would roll down her back, I frowned and asked her if she had been there long to which she replied in the most squeakiest voices I had ever heard "No I only arrived this morning" I now know why she was called Jumanji because she looked like she had been dragged through the jungle backwards and still had half the undergrowth protruding from her face.

I asked her what she did for fun and she told me she loved horse riding, (she looked like she was related to one)

"Would you like another drink"?

"Yes please I will have a baby cham and almond essence please"

"Do they do that kind of drink?"

"Well when I asked before they never but they might now you are here"

It was at this point that I realised I was dating a lamp post with no light. Dim was not even in the running and I decided maybe she was a good dancer as there had to be something good about the evening.

"I think you should try vodka and orange it's quite nice and I’m sure you would like it"

"OK, I have never tried orange before what colour is it?"

I stopped looking for the barman and spun round in disbelief at her comment "green" I said giving a wry smile "the same as my socks" She looked down and smiled and announced

 "they are pretty aren't they? Maybe I can charm them off you later"!!

I ordered her drink and then asked her if she would like to dance

She said "oh I would love to and look the dance floor is empty".

She took my hand and dragged me (kicking and screaming to the dance floor) I begged her to wait until someone else was there also but she said she would lead if I was a bit shy.

I stood there hands in face as she opened her bag and took out some Doc Martin boots and proceeded to tie them up on her feet, she then looked into my eyes and said "right lets go then"

She pogoed the highest I had ever seen anyone jump in my life, left, right, up, down, all over the place, she fell off the dance floor and hit some guys table, knocking over everything twice and still she went at it, at one stage she shouted "isn't this great"?

"Fantastic" I said slopping off towards the bar, "I will be back in a minute I just need to have a drink" She nodded as she pounced backwards and forwards across the dance floor.

I went to the bar and asked the barman if the club was always this empty, to which he said "it usually got busy around eleven when the pubs closed",

"what time is it now?"

"four pm so you have a while yet mate".

I watched as Jumanji bounced up and down like tigger and I thought maybe I should just go.

Just then she bounced right over to me.

"I need a drink too" she said.

"I am tired Jumanji so I think I will get off now"

"Oh OK, I am a bit pooped myself, fancy coming back to mine for a drink then?"

"OK just the one"

We left and made our way to her flat on the outskirts of the city where she climbed up the drainpipe and opened the window and then climbed inside.

Opening the door for me she exclaimed she had lost her key about a month ago, so this was the only way she could get in now.

I asked her why she didn't get another key made to which she announced she didn't have one to take around to get cut.

She led me up some darkened stairs where she tried to lunge at me and kiss my cheek.

"What are you doing?" I asked

"Just buttering you up for later"

I continued up the stairs as she grabbed my butt as I passed her.

I made my way into her flat and I held my breathe.

"What's that smell Jumanji?" I asked her

That's my dog; I couldn't find it in my heart to bury him when he died last week so I have stood him up in the living room next to the fire where he loved to lie.

I walked in the room and there was a Great Dane sat by the fire with lots of insects crawling all over it.

"I use his tongue still to lick my stamps with" she said "so at least he serves a good purpose"

With that she unbolted her arm and placed it on the wall next to the door.

I stuttered to her something about how long had she been living here as she unscrewed one of her eyes and placed it in a jar of water next to the TV.

"How many pieces do you come in then Jumanji?"

She laughed and said "oh only those, I lost them one day while drying my hair in the oven"!

She threw herself down on the settee,

 and said "fancy a fumble on the couch?"

"What with" I asked

She laughed and said "me of course"

"No thank you Jumanji, could I just have a drink of water please."

With that she took the eye out of the glass popped it in her socket and handed me the glass,

"there you go, fresh out the toilet yesterday"

"Jumanji I don’t want to sound rude but I think I will leave now"

She looked at me smiled and said

"don't you fancy me then? Was it something I said? Was it because I have no teeth?"

 she then took her teeth out.

 (This was like the old joke where she then asks me if I want a bit and I say yes throw it over here)

"No Jumanji it's just that I don't really go for girls who smell worse than their pets and live in flats that resemble hostage dwellings, and come like a box of macano that you have to assemble".

"I don’t fancy you one bit not even any bit, and I don't want to hurt your feelings but I would rather kiss your dog".

It was at this point she started crying and a tear ran down her left cheek onto her chin,

"I am sorry Jumanji I didn't mean to hurt your feelings"

"No it's OK she said I am upset with happiness, you're the first person who has ever liked my dog"

she said and then she threw her arms around me and kissed my cheek.

Just then the door flew open and this guy who was about eight foot walked in

 "Hi Jumanji" he said “I'm home"

I asked her who this was, to which she said "my boyfriend"

He smiled in a kind of toothless way, well he did have one or two teeth and I could smell his breathe from the hall.

"Hi mate my name is Tommy, and you are?"

I answered lightly and cautiously "Steve"

"Nice to meet you Steve" he then turned to Jumanji and said "well is he up for it then?"

"No Tommy"said Jumanji.

I said "I was just leaving mate I have to be somewhere at nine".

"We'll come with you if you want and then later we can come back here" said Jumanji

"No it's OK, you stay here with Tommy and if I get the chance I will come back later".

I walked out to all the usual goodbyes and the "see you later" scenario.

I thought to myself "God I am glad I never asked her back to my place, my dead cat would have put her right off me".

 

 

Locozades

I pride myself on being able to sell just about anything but when the Zade brothers asked me to sell a signed potty of Pope John Paul’s, I thought it was pushing the salesman in me a little too far.

 Apparently, it had been in the family for decades, even centuries and even the little baby popes had worn it.

Anyway, I decided to do it for them because they had been my best mates all my life, and I trusted them with it.

I decided to list a few things on eBay and get it all done in one go, after all, I had successfully sold loads of stuff on eBay.

Along with my used 1923 version of the crazy frog anthem and the very first episode of the Jay Leno show on Cine 7,which I also had on beta max, HMV (I think that’s where I bought it also.) DVD + and DVD – well, I did like to keep up to date, I transferred it last night to memory stick.

 I also had a signed photo of Ronald McDonald, I know how many faces he has brightened up not to mention blown up to massive proportions.

Anyway, eBay didn’t go well and I only sold the Leno show but I did get 75 pence.

 I rang the Zades and told them it hadn’t sold so they told me to keep hold of it a bit for them.

It was around this time that I received all the e-mails from lots of Rabbis, Muslims and other religious fanatics, even one from President Bush and Tony Blair. They were all begging me to sell them the potty.

They were too embarrassed to bid on eBay due to their standing in society.

 I had hundreds of e-mails, apparently the Pope was their biggest fan and all the other religious leaders wanted the signature so baaad.

I decided the best way to deal with this was to hold a meeting and arrange to meet with all the religious leaders.

 The Muslim leader Yussit Doon praised me for being so considerate and asked if he could he bring a friend with him as back up? I told him so long as it wasn’t Hasib Hussain or any relations, it was fine.

Key Pete The Rabbi asked me to confirm that there were no cracks in it and demanded photo proof, so I sent him 400 shots of it in every position possible, he then e-mailed me to ask if I would send him some more photos of it apart from just the rim and would I consider swapping it for a full set of Jewish encyclopedias? All twelve volumes, he also agreed to sign the folklore section as a special feature.

 I turned him down however, due to the fact I didn’t have enough time in my life to read them, and I had loads of other stuff I had downloaded from Lulu that I still hadn’t gotten around to reading yet.

I even had some esoteric people e-mail me asking me if the potty had any alien connections.

I told them “yes it was out of this world.”

 I sent them all invitations to a special auction that I was going to do in order to sell the potty. I told the Zade brothers what was happening and persuaded them to attend also; after all, it was their potty.

I arrived at the Stanley social club at around 6 o’clock and there was a Jehovah waiting for me at the door with a leaflet for me, apparently he had been there all month because he wanted a front seat and it was in their nature to make sure the printer got his monies worth.

There was a Buddhist also, and he had walked to Bootle from his homeland in the Himalayas barefoot, pushing a peanut with his big toe.

There were Presbyterians, Anglicans, Lutherans, and a Salvation Army officer with a collection tin, he also had a woman with him with a drum kit and cymbals and a little bald headed guy with a triangle.

There was a woman with a placard saying “Universal Church of the Kingdom of God” written in green paint, there were Shiites or some name like this and sunny people, they must have had something to do with Iraq because they were carrying half burned American flags with them.

There were Seventh day Adventists who had travelled all the way from Pitcairn, all 55 of them, apparently they had picked up another believer on the way,(For people who don't know there are only 54 registered seventh day Adventists in Pitcairn)

The six Lutherans from the USA asked me if I had come across any of their mates from Iceland as they were supposed to be meeting them there, I told them I hadn’t, but did they want to buy a 1923 version of the crazy frog anthem? They said they had it already back home.

Some guy tapped me on the shoulder and informed me that Tony Blair and George Bush were coming together, but at the last moment they were advised against it due to Bootle being a rough area, So they had apologised and said they may make it next time if it didn’t sell.

A man stood in the corner with a raincoat on and dark sunglasses, I decided to find out who he was, “Hi mate what religion are you?” He stood there for a moment and whispered, “I’m an Atheist.”
“What?” I enquired pushing my head back as though I didn’t hear him.

“I AM AN ATHEIST,” he replied louder just as it fell silent in the hall because they had started giving out free drinks.

Every one's head shot around and a little guy in a monk’s outfit shouted, ”A NON-BELIEVER!” and pointed at the now dishevelled guy who was crouched down in the corner.

I noticed out the corner of my eye a Quaker pull out a cut-throat razor and I was just about to intervene when he smiled, closed the blade and pushed it back into his pocket, having noticed I had seen him.

“Calm down everyone” I announced, “we all have the right to our own beliefs.” To which everyone started chatting away again to each other.

I noticed the Zades at the back of the stage so made my way through the crowds of people in the hall.

 I arrived at the back and grabbed hold of Michael Zade; he was the younger of the two brothers.

“Hi Mike how are you?”
“I am fine Steve,”he announced.
“Listen mate... I need a little background on the potty… where did you get it, etc? So I can make it sound really good.”

“Oh, our Jimmy stole it from the Vatican when he was over there on holiday, Steve.”

“Holy shit, Mike!”

“Yes, Jimmy did say something about there being that on the sides too.”

“No you dummy, I mean Holy shit, we are all in big trouble.”

“No, Steve, no one will know, he’s dead now so they will probably think we bought it at a car boot sale or something.”

“Mike, no one in their right mind would believe we bought the pope’s potty at a car bootie, not now and not in a million years, which is about the time we are going to get after today’s finished.”

I gave him a nasty look, I think they call it the evil eye and moved away from him catching hold of Jimmy’s arm and stating, ”This is all your fault, you great big stupid daft idiot.”

“What is?” replied Jimmy.

 “How do you think we are going to get away with selling a stolen potty for God’s sake? Even Sky news is here.”

Jimmy looked at me, then opened the stage curtains slightly so he could see the audience, now in it's mass hundreds, turned and said, “lie.”

He then proceeded to leave the hall.

“You can’t leave me to do this, Jimmy, it had nothing to do with me, and now I can’t be expected to do an auction for a stolen potty!”

“Well, Steve, I am sure you will manage, and I will see you down at my house with the reddies later.”

“I’ll get you for this Jimmy Zade! You mark my words!” I said to him, as he and Mike went out the back fire exit.

I also heard Mike telling his brother it was a good job he didn’t tell me about the fake signature he had written on the side of it!

I climbed on the stage and opened the curtains, Mike in hand, (I was imagining it to be Mike Zade, and I had him around the neck.) I squeezed it and said,

 “Ladies, gentlemen and atheist man in the corner, we are gathered here today in the presence of God in order to sell a precious gift indeed.”

I then looked on at all the little faces and prayed this was going to turn out well.

 The Juche guy shouted, “Get on with it and does it have any cracks?” I assured him it was genuine and could he keep it down, as there were others to think about at the back, like Salman Rushdie who had just come in for some ideas for a book he was thinking of writing called, 'How I Cheated Death the Hard Way 509 Times with a Guillotine'.

I started again due to the interruption with, “My sons, fathers and hypocrites, I bring you here today to give to you the greatest item you will ever see, The Potty Pope.”

"Give or take a few years, it’s estimated to be twelve thousand years old and belonged originally to Lily Savage’s family down Scotty road, funny how these things always turn up back where they originated from, isn’t it?”

 “Anyway we are here today to auction it off and the proceeds will go to The Locozade Foundation for Good Causes.”
“This piece was found under Pope John Paul’s bed on the night of his demise, I mean death, it was signed by him, well it was his hand, in his guest star’s hand the night he died, OK he was dead when he signed it but Bobby Ball did help him.

 The guy who is selling this would like to stay anonymous for publicity purposes, but he assures me that the winner of the object will be most pleased.”
“Will anyone start me off with a pound?”

The Atheist in the corner nods and everyone stares at him and hisses.

 “Two pounds on my right, three, and four…” This went on through the night and the following day, until we came to a figure of seven pounds fifty two by the Jewish settlement.

The deal was done, and all I wanted to do was go home. 

 I handed the potty to the Rabbi and said well done just as I noticed the signature on the side which said: John Pope’s potty signed Pope John Paul XXX, honest I was there. Jimmy Zade.
I had not noticed it before because it was so dusty and all you could see was the pope's name.

I turned my back on the Rabbi, pushed my way past the curtains and out the fire exit and ran till my little legs ached from pins and needles.

We all have a cross to bear so I made my way back to the Zades home, where Jimmy was waiting at the door.
“Did you sell it then, Steve?” He asked me.

“Yes, mate, I did.”

"I knew you could do it, how much did you get?”

I handed him the money minus 10% for the auction fee.
“Is that it?”
“Yes. It wasn’t very popular in the end, by the way, I put a note in the potty explaining that if there is any damage etc, you would replace it or get it fixed for them."

 "In case of any other enquiries, I wrote your address and daytime telephone number and signed it Jimmy and Michael Locozade."

The face was a picture, and as I turned and walked down the path I heard in the distance of Jimmy’s hall, 'ring-ring'.

And a pitiful voice answering saying in a quiet, sheepish kind of voice, “Hello, at the next tone it will be five, seventeen precisely beep beep beep.

 

Relationships

I Decided to find out what everyone was up to on the net in groups and in chat rooms, so I gave myself some Pro plus and made my way to the local chat bar.
Muffin psycho, Willy, Dippsy Joe and Marco Polo where already in the room and each one offered me a welcome of some kind or another.
 Well, "wotcha" was, in my eyes nowhere near a welcome but in chat world anything goes.

Everyone in that room was in a non starter relationship and everyone wanted something they never had, SEX.
I decided to look up some sites which got people together, you know, the ones who promise you a partner who is suitable  by your own standards.
It was a good job I wasn't looking for someone on this match making scene because with my profile and my sense of humour I would be looking for a large freakish object with legs,
a laugh a minute with blueygreenishbrown eyes weighing between 3 to 4 tons and wearing a mini skirt, and Blonde!
I joined up with a club called "We can fix it" I don't think Jimmy Saville was involved though but they did promise the world and a cigar or my money back after two years.
I was sent some matches from my profile (for my cigar) and I studied the both of them in great detail, one was a girl called Bertha Basset who was into painting female
liquorice all sorts (can you believe that?)
The other one sounded really smart, she was 43 with long blonde hair, she worked as an officer for some large retail outlet, she looked really nice.
The second one wasn't available for two weeks so I decided to opt for the first one and see how that went, I contacted her through my email and waited for the reply.
It wasn't long coming and arrived within the minute, she must be keen I thought.
We arranged to meet the next night in a friendly place in the city centre, I told her to wear a red rose so I would recognise her. I was really looking forward to this date, so I began getting ready immediately.
The next evening I arrived in good time to find Bertha was already there waiting for me, "hi Steve" she announced as I stood next to her at the bar, she recognised me from the picture.
Some thing told me this wasn't going to be one of those nights however because this girl looked more like a man and drank pints, she also had on a clowns red nose.
"Hi" I said in a deeper than usual voice just so he/she got the message.
"Listen Steve there is a little thing I never told you about myself when we corresponded and that's I am really a man, but I have had it done"
I looked at him, smiled and said "had what done?"
"You know? the change"
"The change?" I looked at "him" puzzled
"Yes! you know had a sex change"
"Oh I see" I said and then tried to look interested.
"Yes I got it done about two years ago now and I haven't had any complaints so far from my men friends, if you get what I mean"
"No I don't actually Bertha and I suppose a little thing like this is always nice to tell someone after they get all ready for a nice evening out?"
"So don't you like me then Steve?"
"No Bertha not at this moment in time because I am missing this weeks episode of Stargate to be here with you and now I find out your a man"
He threw his arms around me and hugged me till my eyes bulged, "Thank you Steve that's the best thing anyone's ever said to me"

 "What do you mean?"
"Well no ones ever gave up Stargate for me so I must be really special in your eyes"
"Why are wearing a red clowns nose?" I asked "him"
"It's what you asked me to wear isn't it? you said get here and wear a red nose so I could recognise you"
"I said RED ROSE Bertha not NOSE"
"Oh I see Steve, how silly of me"
"Yes it was, so are you going to take it off then?"
"Oh I did that last year" said Bertha as he slid it off his face and put it in his pocket.
I looked gob smacked at his now noseless face, "You have no nose Bertha"
"I know I got it done the same time as my willy to save time and money, they are putting a new one on a week next Friday".
"Your Willy?"
"Yes Steve he was my flatmate at the time so we both got it done together as a job lot" I couldn't believe what I was hearing and stood gripped in fear at what my
prospects were with this person tonight.
"Well seeing as I am here now Bertha we might as well enjoy ourselves and have a
few drinks"
"Yea and then we can go back to my place" said Bertha
"What for Bertha?"
"You know Steve?"
"No I don't"
"I have a surprise for you Steve"
"I bet you do Bertha but I am not that sort of guy"
"No it's not what you think it's something really special"
"oh OK, but just so you know it, I am an early bird and I like to get an early night so I won't be staying long"
"I'll have a rum and black Steve"
"when they cut that off did they cut your finances off too?"
I asked the barman for a pint of lager and a rum and black, just then Bertha said "don't worry Steve it has gone you know, look"
and with that he pulled his "thing" out of his pocket and thrust it in my face, wasn't it a good old size he said as he dangled it from side to side across my eyes.
"Put it away I said, I don't want to see it"
he put it back in his pocket just as a guy with long blonde hair passed by me, I stated "this guy has a real thing in is pocket"
to which the guy said "don't we all dear , don't we all" with that he flicked his hair and waddled away.
"What type of bar is this Bertha?"
"Its a gay bar Steve have you never been in one before?"
"No mate I mean love, ahem I mean dear, God this is hard Bertha what the hell are you?"
"Well I don't think I have four legs and a tail and live with Bambi so I am definitely not a deer"
"Sorry Bertha it's just I never came here for a relationship with a man"
"Why where do you usually go?"
"Nowhere Bertha I'm strictly man on woman sort of guy"
"Me too Steve and hey, I'm the best looking woman in here may I say"
about 20 minutes later
Bertha slammed the empty glass down on the table for the seventeenth time.
"I don't know where you put all that rum Bertha"
"Well I have lots of space now don't I?" she said.
"Well it's been a long day and I am full of lager, so I think I will just make my way home Bertha"
"Are you coming to mine Steve? I do have something really special to show you"
"OK but I can't stay long"
We made our way to the taxi rank were people blew kisses at us and waved to us as if we had known each other forever.
Bertha asked me if I fancied a curry before we went back to hers so I told her I couldn't fit it in on top of all that lager,
and couldn't we just go back to hers, she informed me she was starving and dragged me over to the take away, where she proceeded to order
pie, chips, gravy and peas twice, with two cartons of curry,

I told her I didn't want any to which she replied "I know, they are not for you"
It took her 2 minutes 15 seconds to eat the first one and 3 minutes dead to eat the second one, I said
 "God don't you feel sick?"as she drank the two cups of curry.
"No Steve I do it all the time, I'm trying to beat 5 minutes"
"Well Bertha if you change your name to Rodney Banister you might get it to under 4 minutes"
Bertha laughed and said "come on Steve lets get home"
"it's a wonder you stay so slim with all that food down you Bertha" I said sarcastically.
"I work out Steve down the gym, you should come down there sometime and work out with me."
"I might just do that Bertha"
We arrived at the house about 20 minutes later and where met by a green and turquoise poodle at the door.
"This is grape head Steve, he is my puppy" I smirked and went to stroke the dog as it pounced at me with razor sharp teeth an yanked at my sleeve
snarling and growling like a demented piranha fish.
"Get it off Bertha"  I cried in frantic shock.
Bertha threw her arms around the dog and yanked it from me saying "there's a good dog did he scare you grapey wapey"
"I think you will find Bertha it was the other way around can I use your toilet please?"
I came out the bathroom and asked Bertha what did she want to show me which was so special.
"In there Steve" she said and pointed to a door painted green.
I walked over and opened the door and there to my disbelief was a room filled with jars on shelves, and in them where
men's willies! "That's right Steve I was the last victim, and I'm passing the legacy over to you!" and with
that he/she pushed me from behind into the room and I spun around to see Bertha holding a very long sharp looking knife.
"my names not really Bertha Basset its Bertha Bobbitt and I have taken many a willy in here"
" I bet you have" I said making myself a bit further away behind a cabinet from Bertha.
why is it I always attract such interesting people I thought.
"So are you just after a trophy Bertha because I know a guy down the dock road who does discounts?"
"Shut up and come here" she cried as she lunged at me with the knife, I dodged her advance and grabbed her arm, struggling I managed
to grab the knife from her hand, she looked up at me with rage in her eyes as I smashed my fist into her face
and grabbed her hair, which now came off in my hand, I stood there with her wig in my hand as Bertha punched me in the face and started yanking my hair.
Just then three policemen burst in and grabbed Bertha,handcuffing her they led her from the room.
A detective guy came in and announced he was detective stork from the metropolitan police and he went on to explain
that

"Bertha was a serial killer whom they had been trying to trace for some time, there was a guy in the take away who was a
police officer and he had recognised him from some photo mug shots, so he had rang in with the info, from that we tracked you down to here".
I thanked the officer and made my way home feeling pretty depressed, Oh well it could be worse I thought, I might have lost my family future allowance.

I looked on the bright side I still had the blonde girl to go!

 

 

Space eyed Joey

I bumped into Space eyed Joey the other day, on his daily round of selling drugs, he asked me if I wanted any and I found myself telling him that I got mine
from the local chemist and it's a wonder no one had told him about it, and I was sure they gave a guarantee too.
He looked at me and shook his head and moved away looking as though he had something to say, but then decided it was just not worth it.
I arrived home and on the table was a note from my wife telling me she had gone to the dentists and there was some sausage rolls in the fridge if I wanted any.
I always wondered why she told me that as it was a bit obvious if I opened the fridge like any hot blooded Brit did when he got home, the only difference was it wasn't filled
with triple four x like Australian fridges.
I sat down on my PC and got my email up and to my surprise there was an email from Space eyed Joey asking me if I would be interested in getting some stuff for him from
Lebanon! I ignored this and put it in my trash. Then there was another email from my good friend professor Goodman, he was a local scientist who lived at the end of my street
who reckons he had a time machine made from a mini cooper, yea right, everyone knows you can't fit the flux capacitor in a mini!
Anyway it was asking me to come over as he had a really good surprise for me.
So after my sausage rolls I headed over to the profs house, his pit bull greeted me with nasty razor sharp teeth,
 when I arrived at his house and I had to fend him off with some sausage roll I had
put in my back pocket for later on.
"Hi Steve, come in" said the prof.
I asked him what was the surprise and he said "this" and handed me an 'L' shaped package.
"What is it?"
"It is a mummies leg"
"Wow a real mummies leg?"
"Yes a real mummies leg, but this wasn't found in Egypt like all other mummies legs, this was found in Hemel Hempstead"
"What? Hemel Hempstead in the London area?"
"Yea, isn't that amazing?" said the prof.
It sure was I thought, I didn't think Cockneys had any mummy's!
"yea prof that's amazing"
"Anyway Steve I need you to take this to Egypt for me to another professor friend of mine who will examine it for me
and tell us if it is authentic or not"
"OK Prof"
he gave me some money for expenses and all the directions I would need and I set off to the airport.
This was the first "leg" of my journey.
I opened the letter which the professor had given me with all the instructions, it read as follows:-

Steve do not speak to anyone until you get to the professor's house, as this is a vital link that everyone would
like to get their hands on, it is vital no one intercepts you for the leg. Lots of people know you have it,
so don't let them near you, go to The Pyramisa Resort Hotel.
It is situated on the furthermost tip of the Sinai Peninsula, two and a half miles from Sharm el Sheikh Airport.
There you will meet up with No Nose John the diamond smuggler (don't worry he is a friend of mine) go with him and he will
take you to professor Jackson's place. Remember don't talk with anyone, now eat this note, it's strawberry flavour with a hint of caramel.
Just then I felt a tap on my shoulder, "tea sir?" "er no thank you waitress and can you take the tap off my shoulder it's quite hot"
"Oh sorry sir, could I offer you anything else, maybe join my club"
"Oh what club might that be?"
"I run the 3 metre club"
"What is the 3 metre club do?"
"The same as the mile high club but we do it on takeoff and landing"
"You're pulling my leg?"
"Yes that's right sir and you will never see it again" she laughed and moved on to the next person.
I didn't get it, so I just ate my note and relaxed, well I say relaxed but I played guess the genes game.
This is when you look at two parents and try and guess if the kids are theirs or not, the fun part is asking them!!
There was this one person sitting with a little girl, he looked like a cross between Des O'conner and Madame Tussuad's waxing table
The girl was clearly Egyptian with dark skin and long dark hair but the fez was the bit I assumed made her look Egyptian.
The guy was greenish skin colour and had a bolt running through his neck, I assumed this was to stop his head falling off when he put
his Fez on. anyway I was sure he wasn't the father, so I got out my seat and went over to him, tapping him on his shoulder I enquired in a firm yet understanding voice
"Hey mate did you kidnap the girl or are you an escort agency?"
I remember thinking "what did I do that for" as I sat rubbing my bruised face, glancing around I gave the guy a wry smile and
got back to soothing my face.
Just then I noticed my leg had gone, I searched everywhere, on the luggage rack, under my chair, under my neighbours skirt, I now have two bruises.
I rushed down the plane to the waitress's cabin and asked if any of them had seen my leg, I was escorted back to my seat by
a burly gentleman, who stated if I got out the seat again he would put my head up my own butt and put me in with the luggage.
Time was at the essence however so when we landed, I searched my vision for anyone carrying an "L" shaped package,
There running through the airport was the air hostess who had served me on the plane, so I gathered my stuff and pursued her.
It was hard going, but I managed to catch up with her just as three men in black suits were about to mug her (or so I thought)
"Oi put her down" I shouted as one guy grabbed me by the collar and said "What do you want?"
I explained the package she was carrying was mine and she had stole it, to which he stated it wasn't stolen, it was a present from Space eyed Joey !!
He explained Space eyed had asked professor Goodman to get me to bring the goods he originally asked me to deliver, as he had known I wouldn't
do it. "Thank you man !" he said as I sat with my head in my hands, and then started to walk away laughing.
Just then two people jumped from a black sedan, one tall , one short and pointed guns at them shouting all the time "freeze, get down on the floor and you won't get hurt"
It was the guy from the plane with his daughter. I knew she wasn't a girl or him a table.
"We had it all sussed Steve the detective said, all we had to do was follow you"
I had no idea everyone was using me or following me, these guys were good, very good I thought.
I walked down the street towards the airport, oh well I thought maybe I can get into that 3 metre club on the way home!!

 

Clare Voyant

 

 

I was having problems sleeping so I decided to go to the doctors and find out just what it was that was keeping me awake.

I made my appointment last year and it finally came through last month, it was cancelled on 17 occasions, I have now actually got to the surgery and I am waiting with all the other inmates to see the doctor.

 

(Insert wiggly lines of a dream state here)

 

“How long have you been waiting Doug”? I asked the little bald headed man sitting next to me.

“Six days Steve” he replied.

“Doug did you put all your details into that computer box thingy on the wall”?

“What computer thing Steve”?

“You better go check out the computer thing”

 

I watched as poor Doug sauntered over to the computer and started waving and cursing at the thing.

It is so unsociable these days to put these things in without so much as a “can you read sir”?

Just then this three year old started tugging on my sleeve saying she needed to go to the toilet, “Go away little girl and go ask your mum to take you”.

I then noticed it was my little girl and she had been sharing some sherbet with a kid down on isle 13, and had it all matted in her hair and she had a large red ring around what used to be a set of lips.

 

I was just about to clean her up, when a loud announcement beamed through asking me to come to room 78.

 

“Come on” I said dragging her by the hair (I mean hand)

 

I walked in the room and this guy sat head down looking through my file, without looking up he said “How are you today Steve”?

 

“Well Doctor”

 

“Good good” said the doctor before I even got my sentence out, I always wondered how they knew how you were feeling before you actually said anything.

“You look tired Steve have you been getting enough sleep? It must be hard with a three year old to look after”

“ I remember when I was younger and my wife had to look after the 17 kids we have, it was hard going and there’s only so many things a corner shop can sell, to keep on top of things, that why I had to take up a second job and let the kids run things from the other end”,

 

I looked at the doctor and sighed.

 

“Well Steve enough of my problems, what seems to be the trouble”? He asked.

 

“Doesn’t matter I said I feel much better now”

 

I stood up and went for the door, daughter in hand.

 

“Don’t you want a sick note Steve”? The doctor shouted.

“No thank you Doc, I only write books”

 

I arrived home and my wife asked me where our daughter was, and who the hell the girl was on the end of my hand.

 

I felt really embarrassed back at the doctors trying to convince the police I had made a honest mistake, but we got there in the end and I got home safe with my daughter, who still amazingly had one ribbon still in her hair.

 

“What did you go to the doctors for Steve”? My wife enquired “you’re not thinking of getting the snip at last are you”?

 

“No I just can’t sleep that’s all, I keep getting woke up by terrible nightmares”

 

“Do you keep thinking your handsome then”? She laughed and walked away.

 

“No they are all about you” I said in a snidely remark kind of way.

 

Looking back over her shoulder she sneered “oh well it’s the same in reality then isn’t it? I will always be here for you darling”

“No it’s getting serious and it’s no good you laughing but I am exhausted and if I can’t look after the kids because I am too tired it will all be put on your head”.

 

“That bad, hey Steve”?

 

“Yea I keep dreaming about meeting ghosts and people dying etc”

 

“Well why don’t you go and see Clare Voyant, she will sort you out, maybe you are being haunted in your dreams”.

 

“Hey for once you might have something there, maybe I am”

 

“I was only joking you daft idiot, of course your not being haunted, although maybe that’s why you act so strange all the time”

 

“No listen you might have knocked the nail on the head, I will have to make an appointment with her, where’s the phonebook”?

 

“I was only joking; oh my God here we go”

 

I found Clares number and I was just about to ring her when the phone rang, “Hello is that Steve”?

 

“Yes” I replied.

 

“Good” the voice replied, “I am Clare Voyant, I am ringing you today because”

 

Before she could say anything more I shouted “Wow you are good I was just going to ring you and ask you if I could come around, you are so on the ball”

 

“Of course you can mate” she said and gave me her address, come around anytime.

 

I said my goodbyes and put the phone down.

 

“You’re never going to guess who that was? Only Clare bloody Voyant”

 

“Wow she is good Steve, you better get around there before she puts a curse on you or something for keeping her waiting haha “

I hurried around to Clares house and knocked on the door, this massive guy opened the door and said “Oi are you that Steve guy who was in the Doctors today”? In a deeper than usual voice.

 

I agreed I was in a shy, slow, wary kind of way, to this he punched me in the face and started pounding my head with the floor.

 

After about twenty odd minutes or so it seemed like, I picked myself up off the floor and dusted myself down, looking through the slit in my eye, I looked up at the guy and said “Did I say something to annoy you”?

 

“If you ever touch my daughter again I will do more than slap you, you plonker, that was my little precious you abducted this morning from the doctors, No one touches my family and gets away with it”

With that Clare popped here head through the doorway and said “Now get lost you loser”.

 

“What about a reading then Clare I mumbled through the now really swollen lips”?

 

“ I see a dark future for you, I see a man in a green army jacket pulling your arms and legs off, and it is not in the future mate it’s in the present” and with that she pointed at me and said “ George kill him”

 

I didn’t think my legs worked but apparently they did and what’s more they worked at top speed and all the way home.

 

When I got home I explained everything that happened to my wife.

 

Who announced “at least you got home and away from that animal OK”  

 I said “yea I know and she was a crap clairvoyant after all because I took a little boy not a girl from the doctors,he just just looked dodgy that's all.

I spoke to his mum at the doctors, so it wasn't even Clair's child, what an idiot she is, she doesn't even know her own child, my wife looked at me and shook her head in disbelief.

 

 

These are the stories available in my last book "In Liverpool I Stand"

You can buy this book from the link on the front page :)

Included in the book are some stories from HERE & HERE

 

I hope you enjoy my writings :)