SMILIELANDTV

PUSHING UP THE INTERNET DAISY

 

 1. A Chat in Time

2. A Poetry Tale

3. An Internet Tale

4. A-Z of gerbils

5. Carrie Oakey

6. EBay or not ToBay

7. Flash Times

8. Friends Unite

9. It’s a Group Thing

10. Just a Forum

11. Never Get Out Of the Boat

12. Spammers

13. The Day EBay Stopped

14. The Internet Man

15. The Meet

16. The Net Woman

17. The Printer

18. WWW.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 A chat in time

The night wind bit into my face and my hands were stinging with the cold, but I knew I could make it on my new fitness cycle; it was in the garden because I wanted the authentic feeling.

Tomorrow I think I will get the chain for it from the local gym.

 

I settled down after defrosting (in front of the fire) at my pc, today was the day I was going to join a chat room.

I had always wanted to; only I couldn’t get the nerve up to actually go in one.

I decided to try Yahoo, so I made my self a cup of tea and entered "Yahoo" into my Google search engine!! &^%* off it said and try in a Yahoo search engine!!

I entered Yahoo in a Yahoo search engine, well its only manners I suppose.

 

It took two days to work out which room was which; I wondered why it was called a room as there was just a square box with names running down the right hand side.

I decided it would be best if I could hear what everyone was saying, so I decided to go and buy some speakers from the local hi-fi shop.

 

The man told me they didn't supply pc speakers and only hi-fi and disco ones, I decided the best thing was to get a thousand watt amp and a sub woofer, 5 speaker systems for a disco, (after all I wanted to hear everyone)

 

The mike was the next item I needed as I wanted to be able to talk to people, so I went to PC world again, there were loads of Mikes there.

Amazingly there was loads of Mikes in the chat room also!

I turned my sound up after wiring all the gear up to full and just waited and watched.

All of a sudden a voice shouted "oi donkey dick "I fell off my chair for real this time....

 

The nurse who attended me for those two weeks said I should never leave empty glasses by my chair!

Calculating the necessary volume and making sure the volume was turned down this time to an audible level, I sat back and watched with intent as Spiderman and Chicken Legs debated whether it was possible to time travel, some other person kept annoying everyone with their jokes which only I thought were funny his name was "LOL" I think because everyone shouted "well done

lol" to him all the time.

 

All the voices were American and I thought I would leave there as I didn’t like America after a previous dealing with them a few years ago!

 

I entered all my details and joined MSN chat and then when I tried to go to a chat room it said they were now closed!

Just like the pub I thought, I went back to Yahoo.

 

I didn’t like the name Sardine 7 so I decided to change my name again, something really good that sticks out I thought. The first time in I found myself "not in" I was thrown out apparently for gross behaviour! Seventeen chat rooms later and a big puzzled look on my face, I decided to change my name again from "Michael Hunt" To Pickled Onion, It must have been because there are to many Mikes around!!

 

I tried another 430 names trying to get one as they all seemed to be taken. The one I was allowed and chose was "Twinkle Toes"

"Hello" I said on the next visit to a room in general, no one said anything.

"HELLLOOOOO" .......still nothing; I thought I would now try a room with someone in there apart from me.

HELLO PEOPLE I said in the next room, "stop shouting m8"came the reply 27 times.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Again everyone in the room agreed to point out I was shouting and I should be kicked out on my ass for not telling them where I was from in the first place.

 

All of a sudden a loud ping threw me off balance again and I nearly fell off my chair with fright.

Someone explained that capital letters were in fact shouting in chat language, so half an hour later when I finally managed to turn my caps lock off, I settled down to a good old chin wag,

"ASL" someone typed to me "I don’t understand that sorry" I stated.

Age, sex and location they typed, "oh I see" I said I am 44; I had sex when I was 18 and I’m in the living room!!

Someone called me "lol" and managed to put a smiley face on my screen.

 

There were lots of pings going on and then someone called Lionheart said why wasn’t I answering his whispers??

"I can't hear them I explained and continued to read the many things now going on in the 3inch by 2 inch window.

 

It took me another couple of days to get the lingo together and another two to realise I was being privately chatted up.

I met someone called Sloppypuppy and this was the beginning of the end.

I chatted to her for a bit and she asked me if I cybered!! I told her I only liked Chinese meals but I was always open to suggestions and did she have any recipes!!

 

With eyes wide open on this subject I remember thinking to myself "my brother would be interested in this topic"

 

Sloppy asked me if I would like to meet her for coffee and a bit on the side, so I asked her if she liked sultanas in scones as most places only do these types.

I decided it would only be polite to meet sloppy for tea and scones so the next day I turned up at the cafe as planned, I was waiting for a slim blonde with blue eyes and pigtails, the pig bit was correct but the slim blonde was a bit of a porker!!

In walked the most hideous of creatures I had ever seen in the form of a gorilla with teeth!!

She plonked herself down at the table and said in the most deepest voice I had ever heard "hello you must be Mike"

I told her maybe she had her "caps lock on" to which she giggled and slammed her fist down on the table so hard the salt fell over.

"I’ve been to loads of meets, have you?" she enquired "no none" I answered and I thought to myself "thank God and I don't intend to go to any more either"

 

"Get me a cuppa and a mince pie" she demanded, so I went to the counter and ordered her stuff.

20 minutes later I told her I had prior engagements and started to leave, when she exclaimed we were now cyber married and she would see me tomorrow.

I told her I only came for the tea and the bit on the side, to which she agreed and told me she was the bit!!

I explained to her that she couldn’t possibly be a bit with those size jugs and proceeded to leave the cafe.

 

I woke up next to some guy in Grimsby who said he had fractured his skull in three places and his mate had two broken legs in the next bed to us.

I asked him if he had been in a car crash to which he replied no he was in fact a plain clothes police officer who attended a brawl in a local cafe with his colleagues.

 

Apparently 17 members of staff were involved and three people were taken away seriously injured,

I apparently was found in the corner of the cafe upside down with my jeans around my neck!

The culprit was still at large and was known as the Internet mauler!! She had apparently done this sort of thing 23 times and each time managed to elude the police.

 

I told them the 20 inch scar running down the inside of her nose must surely give her away but he reckoned a tube of blusher and some local made cement conceals it.

 

I asked him what I should have been looking for and he told me the teddy bear she carried and he went on to explain it was the only thing she cared for and if anyone was to touch it they would surely die. I told him I never touched her teddy bear and I must have been really lucky!!

"Lucky" the police guy said "I wouldn't have liked to have been unlucky".

I got home about 6 o’clock the following week and my wife told me she had been worried sick and where the hell had I been? She reckoned I had been seeing some girl off the internet!!

I never went back in those chat rooms as I thought they were too dangerous.

 

I've started noticing a strange figure who catches my eye when I go to the shops and I have wondered about it but apparently it’s just a shadow unless "YOU" YES that’s right "YOU" know different.

 A Poetry Tale

 

In the dark night

When you close your eyes

Do you see the things that just aren't there?

Do you think of the things that could happen to you?

Well come up close and listen to me "BOO"

 

 

How many poems are there on the net? Well thousands and thousands, they have whole sites dedicated to winning prizes.

I decided to enter one and see if I could get anywhere, so my first line of the poem was.

"I saw a cat walk slowly by".

Now then, I had to think of lots of words that ended with a word rhyming with "BY" there was sigh, lie, fry, try, so many I thought so I went with "Guy".

So now I had: - "I saw a cat walk slowly by it reminded me of a sneaky guy"

 

I then decided it wasn’t that good and scrapped the idea, I looked through some poem sites like "Poems R US" and "Bilbo's Traffic Lights of Poems" but the inspiration never came, I had to think of something, so I went to the art gallery for a mental picture.

While there looking at some cherubs with no clothes on, a man rushed in and told me to get down on the floor and if I didn't I would get the gun now pointed at my head going off and I would lose the future family inheritance (or balls to the dumb people reading this) so I got down and the guys mates ran in and started pulling down all the pictures from the walls,

Tony was one of the guys who was pulling down one of the pictures from the wall, (well that’s what his mate called him!!) The whole wall started to fall down, he stumbled backwards and fell down the stairs, his gun started firing and all the windows started shattering, all hell broke loose and some guy grabbed me and forced me into another room, he demanded I kept quiet, I assured him I had no intention of talking to him because he was such a weird looking thing but could he take a picture of the picture he was about to steal before he left and give it to me? He said something about "giving me it alright". I don't remember what happened next after that, and the last I heard was "I'm going to blow your ^&**^% balls off.

I woke up the following week with bandages around my head like a turban, and my legs in plaster, I later found out that I was struck to the head and dragged down three flights of stairs,( He could have done it a bit more carefully) the hospital porter said he was glad I was awake because they were trying to get my next of kin there, but couldn't find anyone

called "Notmiballs" in the directory. I told him my name wasn't Notmiballs, to which he said, when you were being dragged down the stairs with another guy, they were shouting at you,

"You are a dead man what ever your name is" and you were shouting back Notmiballs Notmiballs . I laughed and told the porter I was telling him not to keep his original plan of shooting me where my family jewels were.

I was released the next day and I made my way home, on the bus I suddenly found some inspiration for a poem and as soon as I got in and I started writing it.

17 days and a spike through my head

Was a time when I thought I was dead?

This guy from the ghetto took my pic

And when I woke up I was nearly sick.

I stood for my cause

And I sank to all fours

But the worst yet to be

Was I nearly lost my jewels see.

And only for inspiration

And a bit of elastication

Would I have fallen and died

But I had something to hide.

My undies elastic

Was tied so fantastic

That when I was dragged

My balls were ensnagged

And the guy couldn't be bothered untying em..

I decided that I would send this in and hoped that it would get me the prize, but alas they wrote to me saying that there was too many letters and I needed to send one in that was shorter!

So this is what I wrote

A shorter poem would surely be a waste

It’s like having ham instead of beef paste.

I can't write about things in only 4 lines

About elastic and balls and terrible things.

So please find enclosed

A piece of my nose

And pieces of undies 1, 2 and 3

I await their reply!!

An Internet Tale

I just received one of those emails that said "please send this to a million people", so just for the hell of it I thought I would try.

The first person I sent it to wasn't in, but they sent back a receipt to say they received it.

So I decided to send out my second, and lo and behold I got a reply!

The person replied " Don't bother me again you creep or I will report you for spamming"!!

So I decided to just do the other 999,998 all at once by emailing in bulk.

I went onto a website called "email for fun" yeah right, it took me half an hour to make my way back there and to reset my pc another 2 hours,

I was really careful the second time I went there I can tell you!!

I saved all my stuff this time, they thought they were good but I had them beat.

After the twelfth time of visiting that site, I decided to try a different approach and visited Kazaa.

This was a real eye opener to say the least and I got the programme I was looking for 769 times in all different languages and formats.

After a week of searching through all the files, I finally found the programme I wanted to use.

After downloading it and then going through a thousand file systems trying to locate where the hell it put itself,

I found it logged in my programme files under C:Drive (it was at this point I realised I still had enough space for,L,M,N,O,P,X,Y & Z drives as the others were taken up)

While trying to decipher the programme I noticed the file wouldn't open because I needed to get something called Adobe to open pictures,

So back to Kazaa for me, number 2 was the number it showed instead of ratings of 1000, so it was going to take a little time.

Time was what I didn't have, it was quickly approaching the year deadline I set myself to get the million emails out.

With Adobe in hand and a few days later, I set out to start a mailing system to get my emails rolling.

I decided the best thing to do was to get a book on this Adobe programme as it didn't quite meet my intelligence, so off I went to PC World.

Thousands of books there was on the subject including one called "how to cheat in Adobe" I had to use my visa card to pay for the book but it was worth it.

I settled down to a cocoa and a good read.

The following week I decided to throw the book in the bin and use a different programme and I had heard that Jasc had a free programme called PSP9.

I enquired at a few of the sites that were giving advice at the time, and they pointed me in the right direction.

I had it, I had Paint Shop Pro 9 and it seemed a little bit better to understand than Adobe so I made another cocoa and set to work analysing this programme.

I went back to my mailing system and low and behold the files where now accessible and was in exactly the same format as the PSP programme files.

I decided that the PSP9 programme must have been really special to have changed those files over without me even doing it.

With programme open and time against me I decided to begin my task.

After about 2 hours of studying the blank black screen, I decided the only way to get back onto my pc was to switch it off from the wall and the last thing I remember seeing was the words "You have been ....."

It was looking really bad as I looked through all the bits on the bedroom floor, The guy at the PC shop said I only had to push the new mother board in the slots provided.

Looking for the old one wasn’t going to be as easy as I first thought...

The PC repair man said I should have took it to him when I first had the problem and it needed a new mother board, and a new disc drive etc, I decided to leave it with him and go get a new PC..

After looking at a 100 or so different new PC's I asked the guy in the PC shop what he recommended, he told me the Bose was good and very compact it had a good sound output.

After unwrapping it and plugging it in, the radio come on and radio one DJ came on stating, the Scissor Sisters had got some award at an awards ceremony.

All very well I thought but this thing just doesn't cut it with the keyboard facilities.

I took it back to complain saying I didn’t think it was value for money as it only played radio one and I couldn’t get on the net with it at all.

I left that shop very much with my eyes wide open, "can do everything my ass".

I finally got a new PC and set it up to the diagram which was in the package, I had never done this before as my first one was set up for me, but everything seemed ok.

First stop MSN to let them know I was doing ok and I had a new PC and then, I thought I would reinstall Kazaa to get that programme again!!

Sitting here thinking now, I think that was where I was going wrong, and after 3 other PC’s I decided to use Gnuttella instead!!

After setting up my new email sending system, I ticked all the IP address's of the countries involved and pressed send.

27 days later that programme stopped sending emails and I sat back in wait of the replies.......

The first email I got was from a guy in Outer Mongolia asking me if I was advertising for new motorcycles. If so could I help out a couple of guys who rode through there a few of days ago?

Apparently they were stuck in some marshes.

The second, third, fourth and fifth emails referred to some company who wanted me to attend a seminar and read out my "poem"

I received about 3000 the next week or so all just return to addressee as per instruction in my email.

I then received an email from some guy in a company called the FBI he informed me that they had received about 3600 emails in their system and would I refrain from sending them emails or the consequences would be dire. It was at this point I emailed him back and asked them if they were interested in joining my email club because seeing as they could receive my email they would be ideal candidates.

72,000 emails came the next day from people wishing me well in my task, I can never understand what the *&^%%&* meant but the rest of the mail was crystal...

The emails just rolled in and I counted at least 40 different countries involved, some of them I couldn’t understand because they were Polish or something like that so I decided to visit Webhelp and get their opinion.

They told me there was a programme called BABEL which would decipher different languages and tell me what the emails said.

You would never believe what those emails said? In fact I just couldn’t repeat them on here ... some said I was a son of some animal and I should go sleep with another member of my family, I don’t think they liked me much in those countries.

Anyway the next 30 days were the strangest days I've ever known, I found three different men outside rooting in my bin who all gave the same excuse of, they were looking for drug dealers needles that were dumped in the area after a drugs chase.

I’m not really sure on that excuse because this is a quiet area and no one in my house takes drugs, except for my wife for high blood pressure.

That week saw the most emails arrive with an estimated 3.7 billion, so the man in the court said, but I think he was exaggerating a little.

The Judge said I was a menace to society and told me I was to be banned from using a PC for the rest of my life and I was heavily fined $2000 for costs.

I was deported from America that day and told never to go there again, it was the first time I had ever been there and I decided I didn’t want to go back there anyway!!

Back home there was an email waiting for me asking me to put some money into my account for this well mannered businessman whose family had all died and left him 30 million pounds, this was my chance I thought, so I emailed him back.

Maybe I can get some of that fine money back I just lost.

2 days later I received an email back saying could I ring him to arrange transfer etc, so I did and by the end of the day I was on a ferry leaving Horwich for the Hock of Holland.

I had never been to Holland before!!

This was a real disaster and the guy went to the toilet with my deposit and never came back, something must have happened to him and when I got back to the UK I emailed him to make sure he was alright and see if he could sort out the transfer faster.

I’m still waiting for his answer but I’m sure it will be soon as he seemed a very nice man and well dressed!!

Just in case anyone is interested in my million emails here are your instructions.

Please find enclosed an email of utmost urgency, if you do not send this email back to me and a million others you will miss out on the biggest email experiment that has ever existed.

Don’t worry you don’t need to use any stamps as the post office has no control over these.

Try to post it back to me at 9 am as I tend to start reading my mail at this time so will see it and can reply to you.

If you live in Australia remember I have enough triple x to last me a life time.

Don’t worry if I don’t email you back in response as I do have a lot to go through and I have to use a spell checker also.

If you don’t email me back then a million emails you will receive by other people.

I am a Liverpudlian and don’t speak fluent bull sh..... so please make your email as clear and concise as possible.

If you’re not English then you have a problem and I would suggest using a programme to read it.

Suggested programme Babel

Thanks for your time and you never know if you are passing through my site, you may just come across the times and troubles of Stevirobbo and the story of the million emails.

And don't forget if you need any advice I’m always willing to lend a hand.

A-Z of Gerbils

Tuesday was a really special day, this was the day I would put my new site on the search engines.

How cool is that? My very own site about the A-Z of Gerbils

It was hard deciding on a name for my site as A-Z of Gerbils wasn't quite what I wanted, but it was the best I could think of.

Now I had to think of lots of words that would attract people’s attention to my site.

Peace, liquorice, fireworks, lofts, Gordon Strachan!! There were so many different things I could relate to.

After listing 3567 different words to do with gerbils I pressed the submit button and was finally done.

I knew I would have fierce competition from sites like Gerbil-mania but I knew I could be better and more determined.

I listed my site in as many search engines as I possibly could and then bided my time, three weeks past and then twelve but I just wasn’t getting any hits!!

I chanced my arm to put a word in a Google search engine, I typed "terrific" and all I got was "travel", "trees" and "science" whatever they had to do with gerbils, so I thought this can’t be right, so I put another of my key words in "sceptical" this was really off the beaten track and up popped the BBC which did tend to throw me off a little, who in their right mind would use the word sceptical in their search words other than gerbil users. Maybe the BBC was up to something that I didn’t know about and they were planning on making a documentary about gerbils or something.

I decided to wait a bit longer but I was sure people would visit me anyway.

I decided for the letter "M" I would use mush as this is the noise the gerbil makes when you stand on them.

So up to now I had

A- A gerbil

B- Boy gerbil

C- Cute gerbil

D- Dead gerbil ( due to the fact I stood on a few)

E- Extra dead gerbil (after my cat got one)

F- F*&^&*% dead gerbil (after I shot one for being in my fridge)

G- Gerbil

H- Hibernate (or maybe dead sometimes it’s hard to tell unless you have stood on them)

I- Indent in the carpet

J-Jackson gerbil (that’s who they look like after standing on them)

K-Knots (you can string them all together to form a rope)

L-Lemmings (unlike these gerbils don’t jump off cliffs but do jump out of lofts)

M- Mush ....................

Now I only had to think of another 13 things, I decided to write an A-Z poem

A is for A gerbil which lives in my attic

B is for Breed of which I’m a fanatic

C is for Cute I’m sure you'll agree

D is for Dead you can have one for free

E is for Edgar the name of my cat

F is for Fatal well it is tit for tat

G is for Gerbil I have so very many

H is for Hide as I’m a very good adversary

I is for Itch that these critters instil

J is for my Jokes which I try to fill

K is for Knot "as many as you can"

L is for Lemmings but they don’t taste like ham

M is for Mush what they all seem to make

N is for Nose and the smell when you wake

O is for Oval the shape on your floor

P is for Pull when you peel from the door

Q is for Quash the same as above

R is for Red and not white like a dove

S is for Super like all gerbils are

T is for Testing the tyre tracks on your car

U is for Up in the loft where they live

V is Vice which they certainly give

W is for Window which some tend to find

X is for X ray which the gerbils don’t mind

Y is for Yesterday when ten more were seen

And Z - is for Zap gun but it’s only a dream.

 

So I decided to put this down and crammed it all onto my page.

The man from the RSPCA came again and told me I really did need to get a life!!

I told him I had one, thank you very much, with my wife, my kids and my 2 million gerbils that lived in my loft.

I rest my case.

Carrie Oakey .

I fired a dart into the board and Chris said well done mate, I've known people to finish on a few different numbers, but 7 is as different as Rocky and Jeremy Beadle.

I said my goodbyes and left to go home. On the way I bought some chips from Aggie's fish and chip shop.

"Got any DVD’s Steve"? "No Aggie sorry", "that last one you gave me was a bit sick wasn’t it"? "Oh what was it Aggie"?

"Goldielocks Bares All" ! "I haven't seen it Aggie, sorry but next time I’m in I will get you Little Red Riding Hood " Hood is that new guy everyone is talking about"!

"Oh he's great Steve, I saw a preview of him" "My twelve year old will be really pleased "!

"Good night Aggie" "Good night Steve"

When I got home I put on my trusty friend and sat back to see if I had anything in my inbox.

Funny enough there was an email from Carrie Oakey a girl I had talked to in a site called lick my lawnmower.

It was a site where amateur writers got together, and wrote short stories, what amused me most was that Carrie knew my email address and I never even told her it.

The letter asked me to meet her to discuss a book she wanted me to write with her.

I agreed and the next day I set off for Newcastle where Carrie lived.

When I arrived to my surprise she lived in a castle with a drive longer than my road!

I knocked on the door (insert knock knock here), Carrie opened the door and asked me to come in.

When they say castles are old and dreary this one was no exception, it must have been made in the dark ages, there were still candles on the walls and suits of armour everywhere, I kept thinking one of them was going to jump on me at any minute.

"These walls could do with some nice wallpaper Carrie" I said". "Oh I don't really live here this is just where we get people to come who we don't like"!!

I remember thinking to myself "yea right this must be for the story she wants me to write so I will play along with her" :)

"Oh right Carrie, so I must be 'UNLIKED THEN' (snigger snigger) "

"Oh yes Steve you certainly are mate" and with that she opened two huge doors leading to a great hall, where there stood at least 50 people all gasping and pointing their fingers at me. "Kill him now" I heard one shout and then I watched as this little old woman came up to me in a long black dress and poked me in the chest with her bony finger saying " Ba***rd"! and then walked away again. "What’s going on Carrie" I demanded.

She turned and looked into my face and said "we are the fingle witches; you don't have a clue do you?"

I agreed I was a bit puzzled and asked what I had done.

"You took our leaders name in vain" she cried and slapped my face.

"Your leader? Who the hell is your leader? No wait let me get a pun in here "< insert laugh here> "Take me to your leader"!!

"Don’t be smart you will be laughing on the other side of your face soon" she said.

I don’t understand this reasoning and I only have one face maybe you a have a brew or something that makes you two faced like you I enquired, with that I suddenly felt a dart in my head and my behind and then I started feeling them everywhere, then I felt a bit woozy and don't remember anything else.

I woke up tied to a cross and stood on a pile of sticks "burn him "someone cried as I squinted through the light to see what the hell was going on.

Just then a woman came up to me and said "I’m Meanraven the nasty witch of the Southeast, you are a heathen and a witch watcher!"

I apologised and informed the weird looking woman that I had not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings and I had no idea what she was talking about".

It was then that the penny dropped and I realised it must have been when I visited the online coven and posted a message on the boards telling everyone I was a warlock called Batty Balls and did anyone want to play out at midnight, and I thought the cauldron would look better with some toads B**)()**ks in it.

I asked her if this was what it was for, to which she replied "NO It was for selling broomsticks on eBay without a licence!"

I get myself in some pickles but this has got to be the worst. The witch walked away and I just looked on as lots of people dressed up in black cloaks danced around me spitting at me and chanting "we shall not be moved".

One of them must have been drunk because she couldn’t stand up and kept barking at the moon, I later realised this was the pet dog!

It’s so hard to tell dogs and witches apart isn’t it!?

It was around this time when I started hearing a chant!

Hickory dickory chickory pud

Kill this guy who’s bad not good

Devils come up and take his soul

For he is your friend we all took a poll

 

"Oi Oi Oi spotty face, I am not in league with the Devil ok? I draw the line at being associated with people in hell" (after all they don't even have credit cards)

"Burn him burn him" the crowd shouted as a witch with a green painted face started pouring petrol on me.

"Can't you use different fuel to light it with? Those fumes will kill me and are terrible and I'm allergic to it "I stated." Shut up" said Carrie.

"Not so chatty now are we?" "(Not so chatty now are we) "I retorted in a snidey way, I'm really disappointed in you Carrie I thought you were nice and wanted to write books with me?"

Don't be silly you are the demon himself "and with that she lit the sticks and it started blazing with flames. I could feel the heat rising up my trousers " ow oh uh " I said as someone with long greasy hair shoved a marshmallow in my mouth.

I chewed and chewed the marshmallow thinking it would help me in some bizarre manner.

It was at this point I woke up with a mouth full of feathers eating my pillow and my wife standing over me shouting "whatever you're on I'm going to sell it and make a fortune, now shut up and let me get some sleep you weirdo"!

The next morning I sat at the breakfast table listening to her going on and on about me shouting "not the toad not the toad please don't put that in there"

I just smirked at her and ate my toast.

Just then the phone rang and my brother William said "fancy coming to a Karaoke Steve "?

To which I said "not likely mate, one's been annoying me all night" and I slammed the phone down .......

 

Ebay or Not Tobay

The sun shone through the starry night sky somewhere on the other side of the planet (think about it)

I walked towards the house where French Teasel Tony lived; they called him that because he could peel teasel with his teeth apparently.

 

I knocked on the door and this gorilla with teeth opened the door "Hi mate" I said "I’m Steve".

 

The next day I signed myself out of the hospital and went home, with two broken arms and a broken collar bone, not to mention the broken nose, bruised cheek , black eye and loose tooth,

That’s the last time I ever say hi to anyone I thought to myself.

 

When I arrived home my wife looked at me and said "so you're back? Look at the state of you" I said "you want to feel it"

I told you not to go on eBay again didn't I?"

"But you never listen do you?"

 

"You know best dear I told her"

It all started when my mother in law came around (she knew I had an EBay account and wanted to help me out with some stuff!)

I promised myself I wouldn't give in to temptation but I'm a sucker for punishment, when the mother in law threatens you with pulling your family jewels off! I asked her what it was she wanted listing and she said, "A toaster, a frying pan, a working robot, and an old car starter handle".

Fair enough I said, it was at this point that I got a little suspicious because my mother in law had just come back from Africa and she was going on about how she hoped he didn't get out of the box.

I thought I might as well list some other stuff seeing as I had my keyboard out, so I listed 3 pairs of jeans, a nylon worn by Ronnie Biggs, (signed as well)

2 duck feathers that were used by King Arthur to get his way!, a Chinese bunion cutter, a video of never before seen footage of Michael Parkinson taking a bribe, to have the Spice Girls on his show (I expected to get a few bob for this) after all it was original and everyone knows who the Spice Girls are and some might know the presenter)

I also had a picture of Saddam Hussein getting in a hole (but I swear I never told anyone) this was also signed by the guy who used to come on and tell everyone how Iraq was doing.

Ahmed A.N.D Dangerous I think his name was. I also had willy warmers with inner sandpaper for the added touch.

Anyway I got to work and listed all the items, my mother in law said she didn't have them with her for photographic evidence so I just listed the items.

Two weeks later after all the items had sold except for the video (there mustn't be many Spice Girl fans now!)

I posted all the stuff off, all but my mother in laws, they were listed as a job lot and I would deliver them (God knows why? I mean it’s not hard to fit them all in a box and get Royal mail to do it is it?)

My Mother in law wanted me to do it personally because she would know it had got there, I couldn't believe she got £2,000 for these items.

Anyway a guy called French Teasel Tony had bought them and I had to take them around to his house!

In Tony’s house it wasn't so much that I said "hi" it was the fact the pygmy with the razor sharp toasting fork jumped out the box and stabbed him right in the butt, screaming food food food,

I stood in amazement as Tony looked in disbelief as the pygmy started putting the spit together right in his living room chanting " the wheels on the bus & feed the world "

Tony smirked and told me "this was not what he had in mind as a toaster and a working robot"

To which I replied "I DIDN'T KNOW HONEST"

 

The pygmy disappeared into the kitchen slipping under the door and Tony rushed after him, I heard screaming and banging and then screaming, then in came the pygmy carrying a bottle of soy sauce and a napkin. Tony was trussed up like a turkey and laid out in the kitchen, it was at this point I said my farewells and whistled my way out of the house not even looking back to see what was happening.

As I walked out, I quickened my pace until I was in full flight, it was only then that I felt the bus hit me; I really should have been watching what I was doing.

The rest is history although I did hear Tony was thinking of pressing charges and the pygmy disappeared into the forest somewhere in the Scottish highlands.

After hitching a ride with a party of porn stars from Dagenham.( I think he pulled a plump bird)

My mother in law laughed so hard when she heard and told me I was such a wuss, and I would never make an eBay salesman,

She told me to be more careful and I should have just put the box through the letter box.

The moral of this tale is never have a take away with a pygmy and a gorilla as

soy sauce just doesn't mix, especially when your mother in law cooks it.

I really am a glutton for punishment, as I agreed to list some other things for her next week that she has jumping around her cellar!

Two items have me worried and that’s Carpet and Gripper and I don't mean the wooden, nailed to the floor stuff,

I mean a great big hairy dolphin called Carpet that was caught off the coast of Liverpool on a day out to New Brighton.

But then that’s another tale!!

Flash Times

I recently decided to try and update my site with a flash programme :)

Well it is the better half of the 10's or is that its the beginning of the teens, well we will call it 2005/6 .

Anyway I tried buying a flash template, they are advertised as being easily downloadable and it apparently only takes 10 minutes to change and upload to your site.

I chose one called flip side flop and what it done was, flashed up and then went into song and dance giving loads of cool graphics as though you were in a disco, All I had to do was change the links, the pictures and the fla files. so after paying my £40 for my template I waited for my download to arrive in my inbox.

 

After a week or so I decided to email the company and find out why it was taking so long, after another two weeks I got a reply saying because they were in the US there was a delay!

It must be the little postmen in my email I thought, having to travel all the way from the US to the UK,

 

Anyway I was sent a link to my download which I clicked on, to my astonishment

it actually downloaded my file (but to where?) I checked folder after folder and couldn’t find it, eventually I clicked the link again and hoped it would download again.

I realised after about 100 tries, I could send the files directly to "my documents" and open them there.

 

10 minutes I thought!!(Silly me)

I opened the index and the complete file worked, but how did I change everything?

Six weeks later a whole lot of emails and an holiday season to boot, I managed to find out I needed to have something called Macromedia flash mx.

 

After going to my bank for the loan, I decided to forget the idea and opt for the site I have, the thing that really put me off the most was my wife said if I didn't pay the loan she would shoot me!

 

I went to the PC shop to see if they had any alternatives but most of the products were downloadable and you couldn't buy them in CD format. Swish which apparently was only obtainable by going through 10,000 affiliates until you actually found the original site with the original download was my best bet.

 

I did try this however and managed to get a free download on a trial product. The flash templates were not meant for this player and Charlie Chaplin didn’t come with a cane!

 

I gave up and made a Merlin my captive, I no longer know how he works or were he came from but he makes me smile and he knows my name.

 

Maybe I will promote him to vice chairman one day and give him a TV slot.

I have gone off the idea now of changing the site to a flash site, it’s just to complicated and my pet gerbil says he wants overtime on the treadmill to get it to work 24/7, so there is the staff to think, about plus I don't know how it all works.

 

Maybe one day I will get to grips with all this technology and build a new site, but for now you will just have to put up with me my Smilieland and lump it!

Good night.

Friends unite

I woke up one morning and decided that I would check out all the sites offering to find all your ex friends and school friends.

 

I put in the search and it gave me loads of sites to choose from.

I chose a well known site and filled out an application form.

 

Everything has a price these days and so does lists!

My list showed me I was the only one in my school, who had filled the form out, but it wasn't very long before I realised it was the deaths I had entered into (I wondered why I got no emails!)

Anyway after going through family trees and synagogue attendances I finally managed to find my school friends, well I call them friends but they only managed to be my friend when I had something they wanted. A few of them had jobs and some others had careers and one even had his own business. I was amazed to find out that Stan the man had now lost his legs, but was part of the team in the Para Olympics squad, well done that man.

There were lots of people here and some who I had never even heard of, maybe they were in the wrong year.

 

My teachers were long dead (they looked the part when I was at school) so it was a shock to see the headmaster was still alive aged 134.

I looked all day and laughed at some of the things the people were now up to.

A few weeks later I received an email from someone called Meatball Alley saying he was at my school and they were having a reunion and would I like to attend, so I emailed him back and said of course I would.

A few weeks later I set off for my school reunion, after about half an hour of talking with everyone, we all started dancing and chatting about old times and teachers and how they would cane us for being late and for setting off the fire alarms, and for throwing frogs at the girls and dancing on the fatty peoples heads.

We were adults now and didn't do these things anymore (we did however pass the genes on to our children) who for some strange reason have taken everything to a new level!

I sat with an old mate called Billy Boson and we chatted about all the things we did in our class like shove hamsters in the Bunsen burners and then light them.

I corrected Billy on the last statement and told him they weren't hamsters they were his belly fluff!

He reminded me of the time we hid in the school attic and then we fell through the roof right onto old Freddie Mercury’s desk in the middle of a history lesson.(we called him Freddie Mercury because he dressed like a housewife and carried a signed picture of Freddie everywhere he went) He used to put it on his desk,

they reckon he did finally get to meet Queen at some concert and the shock was so intense he had a heart attack and died, but hey who wants to live forever anyway!!

The worst guy in our school I explained to someone was Dippy Horace the Geography teacher but no one seemed to remember him and how he got lost on a trip out to the lake district!

Our maths teacher was so bad that 1 + 1 was 3 and times table was what you read in a bus queue!

I couldn't remember his name but someone said his name was Roy, but that still didn't ring a bell, well after a long night of reminiscing,

I said my farewells to everyone and started to leave, on the way down the steps someone shouted hip hip hurray to the best school in the world, St Georges,

I was really shocked as I went to St Josephs!!

I got home around midnight and settled in to a nice cup of cocoa, I explained everything to my wife and she laughed as I told her I had been to the wrong school reunion.

Just then the phone rang and when I answered it there was a long pause and then someone said "remember me" I replied unless I was psychic there was no way for me to tell, he replied "that’s good as you won't be able to tell anyone who kills you!"

I replied that I couldn't tell anyone if I was dead and to stop annoying me and get a life.

 

The next day I was out shopping for a pot of green ink (because they come in separate colours now) and my printer had run out of green, due to the fact I had to

print off a thousand sheets of pictures of processed peas, it was later on I found out that my wife wanted a thousand sheets of processed fees for the lottery syndicate she was running.

anyway while I was there I felt this heavy breathing on the back of my neck and when I turned around this guy said to me in a very evil kind of voice, "do you remember me?" I looked at him and then it all came flooding back, "yes" I replied, "you’re Jimmy Jenkins the guy who I beat in the semi final of the North West tiddlywinks competition when I was five" "That’s right" replied Jimmy and you ruined my life from that day on.

He told me how he sat year after year practising flicking his tiddlywinks at egg cups lined up along walls and he knew one day he would beat me, "its been 40 years now and I’m up for it" he said, with that he pulled a gold trinket box out of his pocket and showed me his tiddlywinks.

 

Listen Jimmy its been a long time and I’ve forgotten how to play, the last game I had was with Curry Magurk the Pakistani undertaker who bet me six hankies and a back pack I couldn't beat him, but alas I took the spoils from him.

 

Jimmy snapped at me "I’ve waited 40 years for this rematch so get your tiddlywinks out and get playing," I told him I had better things to do, but I would meet him the following day in the local pub at noon for the rematch!

He agreed and the next day I arrived at the pub with tiddlywinks in hand. First he flicked, then me until it was all down to just his gold tiddlywinks and my black one, he looked across the table with red shot eyes and beckoned me to flick!

With fire in my heart and my tiddlywinks rule book sticking out my back pocket, I took aim and flicked my tiddlywinks.

High above the crowded room it spun, until eventually it hit the ceiling and came down again to rest in between his tiddlywinks and the gold cup, "gotcha" he said and took aim with his tiddlywinks (insert tension here ) he looked up smiled and flicked, everyone gasped and hissed as his tiddlywinks floated up and then entered the pot, only to bounce back out again and land on the other side of the table.

I missed my next shot too and Jimmy laughed and plunged the wink into the pot

" I win" he snarled "I win, now give me back my blue and silver marble, you said you would give me it back the next time I won you."

I looked down in my hand and the little glass ball shone in the pub light, " here you are Jimmy and well played."

I walked home that night feeling the world was on my shoulder, I had carried that marble around with me for 40 years, it was like a part of me, but all good things must come to an end.

I got in and checked my email, in it was a message from Jimmy saying good game and we should do it again sometime loser!

I replied and said I wasn't bothered and I was more into monopoly these days anyway!

I never did find out who was out to kill me.

Maybe it’s in another story!!

It’s a Group thing

I was sitting at my pc and I just couldn't think (not that I can anyway)

But something was pulling me to MSN, after the chat room incident and sloppy

I really needed to get into something I could call special, so I decided to join MSN "communities"

How dumb is that? (Nearly as bad as the name I was going to call myself "SUN CROW" But it was taken!

I decided the best thing to do was sit and just think of a really good name for myself

800LB Child molester - no too heavy, and someone would surely complain.

Titbits4 - no everyone knows it’s not available.

The Stud - now there’s a thought, but alas this was taken.

Miffedoff- I’m sure everyone would relate.

I just couldn't think of any names and it was getting late, I finally decided on one called "Bill the builder"

So I filled out the form for my passport etc, I don’t know why they need passports, its not as if you have to go from one country to another is it?

Wow this community thing was really cool, there were more psychopaths on here than I had ever seen in my life and even someone called "Bump"

I joined a group called "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ early learning centre" This was the first step to disaster as there was no one actually in there only a revolving Rubiks cube.

There was also a message saying Made in England.

I left there and joined a community called "Wishful Thinking" it said if I clicked on a link on the page it would guide me,

so I clicked it and was guided to MSN front page, I tried that 15 times before I realised it was a glitch, which sometimes happens in MSN.

No one could have predicted what happened next, I was looking on the MSN front page and I saw some links to some "Cool sites" they had sunglasses and looked liked polar bear asses.

I decided if I was to get anywhere I needed to join a cool community.

I read the message boards in amazement at people directing threats at one another, it was unbelievable, some guy said that another person was a "Female dog" and another came on and posted a picture of Adolf Hitler with a spade, saying "come and get it matey"

I decided this was just a little to cool for me and if it was so "cool" why were people calling it "Flaming"

So I left family orientated communities!

From nowhere came a blank white screen, it was impossible to get on there, I tried everything but nothing worked , so I had to wait 3 weeks for my page to come back up.

When I finally got back on communities, communities had gone and it was now known as "GROUPS"

the first Group I visited was called "Community feedback" now then I thought hahaha it’s "Groups" now, they threw me out of there for posting smiley faces and being a nuisance to society (they must have been American)

I then joined a group called "Losers" as I thought maybe just maybe I may fit in here, but alas I was banned for life because I didn’t agree with some animals who posted there, just for the record the animals were some Gorillas, toads and a spaced out lizard.

I couldn’t get to grips with this group thing and realising it was going to be a challenge so I decided to join "wayward gas" were someone calling themselves London guy, hacked into my system and deleted all my pc.

Things were going from bad to worse as I was now being stalked and harassed by some weirdo from Kathmandu.

I decided the only thing for it was to make my own group so I planned it meticulously, the name threw me a little and I couldn't pick one, in the end I went for "The Snug" after an episode in Coronation street( I wonder if they still have one)

Anyway after a few weeks I managed to gain a member called Gypo who wrote obscenities like "cheesey wotsits" on the boards ewww who in their right minds would have sects in cheesy balls.

I let him rant on due to the fact it was the only messages I was getting and at this rate I would get my site meter very quick. I had 7654 passports so it was only a matter of time.

Gypo left a week later he said I didn’t love him and he would get me!! I can’t believe the nerve of some people, so I deleted that group and opened a new one called Stevirobbosjokebook.

This group began slowly but eventually thrived with two faced people in love buses, who constantly drove fictitiously around the world stopping off on alien continents performing acts of violence with blue faced baboons.(but enough of the members)

This wasn’t a very good group however and it soon become clear that people just wanted to kill me after deleting my pages and posting RIP on the front page. I decided to delete the group.

I wandered throughout the groups world going from site to site becoming known as a pest species when all of a sudden it dawned on me to seek out the people who followed and hated me and join their groups, so after joining 70,000 groups some of which were into

Devil worshipping and boat construction with empty beer bottles, I decided to talk with a guy called Rumis transfixius from Papua New Guinea, he was a real funny guy and soon had me making all kinds of weird pages.

we joined up with another guy called "Two Track Donkey" and we formed the "Three Muskrat Tears" Two Track" was full of ideas and he decided the best way to go was to make a site called 9F commandos and seek out all the groups in msn and bombard them with message board drivel, me and Rumis agreed so we joined a group called " Snow Whites Parlour House" where we began calling everyone horse dung and posting links to pages created in swish.

We got banned as fast as we joined but it was worth it, we all fell out in the end over who could get banned the fastest from community feedback!!

I decided to join a group called Webhelp and seek help!! But they said I was beyond that kind of help but did I want to know how to do borders, I declined due to being locked in little boxes as a kid.

There was a guy who runs that site called a "Shout In The Mob" he was a real character and was a member of a giant online religious sect.

The owner of the sect decided to appoint him chief custard pie thrower and monkey hunter, he never got back to me with why he ever joined there due to the fact he's Hebrew.

I lingered there for a bit until the boredom became so intense I started playing eye spy with myself!!

I searched through the many new groups now popping up like "The Complaints Dept", "As Old As Dirt ", "Community Feedback For Dummies" + dummies exiles, mates , friends , spies, extremists, workaholics, druggies,& bimbo's and in the end realised that these people had no lives other than MSN, There was some really lonely desperate people living on the net.

Finally I made a group which I could relate to and many people joined called Smilieland, this came my way through a sick joke someone made on a message board about me and a thousand smileys I created.

I decided in the end to delete this also because of the internet vultures and dolphin lovers, which was as sick as throwing boomerangs dipped in diarrhoea.

After being in all but one group "DMAT" as this was the only place on the planet I couldn't bring myself to join, I decided to leave Groups as it was a sad and lonely highway of liars,cheaters,bumpkins and people with hundreds of children and afflictions.

I left groups how I found it and maybe someday I will venture out there again, but not until I get all the scorch marks off my ass from the many millions of flames I received.

All the people and places are fictitious above except a few groups which are real,(test the address's and see) if I have offended anyone, then tough its all in life’s name, I’m here to report and report I will!!

Don't forget to smile it’s the moon thing you do with your mouth and its free!!

 

Just a Forum

I saw Smilieland listed on a Forum on eBay

Yes that’s right on eBay hehehehe

I was searching for the site on all the search engines and one of them popped me right onto the eBay forum

Wonder how they do that?

Anyway enough babble lets get down to business.

I got an invitation to join a special forum called "Mystic Mushrooms Magic Harem"

I must say it was really cool although a little odd to say the least, all they talked about was saddles on bikes and how uncomfortable they were.

I talked for hours on dimensions!!

Some guy invited me to a get together they were having at Delamere Forest

so I agreed, and set off the next weekend to investigate the strange people who I had met.

I met Scary Mary on the way to the train station (the girl off the adverts)

She just watched me as I passed her and smirked; I think she must have known where I was going.

"Phones 4 U" I shouted back over my shoulder as I ran down the steps.

She actually smiled back at me!!

I dreamt of chicken butties on my train journey and Doorstep Doris, she was the girl in the sandwich shop who served the sandwiches.

I really must ask her how she gets all those holes in her stockings, and tell her its really bad for your health to eat, drink and smoke all at the same time while serving customers.

Anyway when I got of the train in Delamere, there were Frank, Gordon and Sandra waiting to direct me to the route.

We laughed about a few non essential funnies (like Gordon’s wig falling off and Sandra laughing so hard she farted and then nearly choked on a piece of Swiss roll she was munching on).

We all gathered in this clearing and there must have been about 17 of us all talking at the same time and pointing at Gordon.

I really liked Gordon he could take a joke or two or maybe 2000!!

Just then Cookie Monster stood on an old orange box and started chanting.

(I called him Cookie Monster because he still had sugar puffs in his mouth) I later found out they were his teeth!

I watched in amazement as they all started stripping off and dancing around Cookie on the box chanting " Obli da obli de set me up set me free"

It was at this point I ran away! I got lost and fell down a sand pit were they made bricks.

I gasped for air as I ran for dear life; oh God I thought isn't there any real people on the net?

I was running for about half an hour and then just as I thought I would take a rest,

I ran straight into a clearing and landed at the feet of all the forum people.

Justin who had red wavy hair (and that was his beard) said "Steve, you’re supposed to run around the box not the woods"

I stared in disbelief as Cookie started passing around dead herring fish and they started slapping their bottoms with them.

I must admit the fish were the best lookers.

I asked them to forgive my ignorance but what the hell were they doing?

Clive the Jockey shouted up to me "pumping the throttle"

I told them they were all nutters and started out the wood, I woke up covered in feathers and dangling from an acorn tree. Everyone had gone except Cookie, who assured me I was going to die.

I begged him to let me go, but he said I had seen too much and he didn’t like people who didn't "get with it"

Just then a helicopter flew to the tree tops just above my head and a loud speaker announced "put the fish down and lay on the ground with your hands behind your back"

The nice police women let me down and explained that Nobby the candle maker had told them due to the fact he couldn't bear having another dead person on his conscience!

I made my way home about 9pm and thought to myself this time I got a really lucky escape when I got home my wife was livid "where the hell do you think you've been? She asked"

I said "oh just been doing a bit of fishing and look here's a present for you"

I handed her a dead Herring!! Enough said ...............................................................

I sat after my dinner looking out over the garden lawn thinking how stupid I must have looked

Calling him Cookie Monster, everyone knows it’s a Honey Monster!!

I wonder how many forums there are on the net.

Never Get Out Of The Boat

I played on the fact that I knew how to surf the web and I thought I knew what I was doing, I tried to think of where I went wrong and I came to the conclusion it was the mushrooms that I ate, I had no idea they were hell-ucigenic!

It all started when I went into a group called popping spiders and met some guy called Trouping the colour from Jamaica.

I got to know everyone in there really good and when they all suggested a meet (I pondered for a minute after all they had all turned bad on me ) I agreed readily.

We all met at Stonehenge, which I thought was rather strange due to the fact there was nothing there only a few boulders.

 

Everyone sat around laughing and joking and making really large cigarettes, I had never ever seen cigarettes so big in my life.

 

Some guy called George Foreman came up and asked me to bong with him! I just smiled and said I was straight and I was sure there were plenty of other people who indulged in that sort of thing.

 

It was at this point that a tall dark looking blonde girl with a pretty head scarf on sat down next to me and laughed, "Hi you must be Steve "? She asked "yes that’s right, I came down from Liverpool"

"I’m Janey from Skipton" she said "you know "pom pom girl" "Oh yea" I said "I remember you now"

"So how’s it going then Steve?" "okay thanks, its nice here isn't it?" I thought (yea right in the middle of a field) "yes beautiful she said" and with that she popped a mushroom in her mouth, "are they tasty?"Then I enquired

"Oh yes! Would you like some? I picked them earlier ""I only like them fried with onions and a steak" I told her.

She giggled and handed me a handful "no silly these are special mushrooms, they grow in fields like this, you just eat them raw or make tea with them, and they make you feel warm and happy Steve"

"Oh ok" I said putting the mushrooms in my mouth, after swallowing them I told her I didn’t think much of the taste and if I had of known I would have brought some salt and pepper.

She laughed, stood up and walked away, turning she said "see you later Steve, have fun" I smiled and waved, sitting there thinking now I must have been really naive, I didn’t even like mushrooms!

 

About 10 minutes later a guy came up and sat down next to me, he said "hi bro blitcha vinto me duny flo " I looked at him and stated "The river was over there " everything started to look bright and colourful and even the grass looked greener.

Things started turning different shades of colour and things were looking a little bit different from the reality I once knew.

 

I don’t remember anything else but I woke up from another realm naked and sitting on a mole hill with everyone laughing.

 

"Here Steve " said this guy with only one arm and he passed me a long thin cigarette, I took a puff and gave him it back as I coughed so hard I nearly choked.

It was at this point I went into a belly laugh and laughed so hard I thought I was going to die of laughing!

Oh my God I thought as I fell over for the twentieth time, I don't remember anything else and woke up in a police cell in Hamel Hampstead with a tattoo of an eagle tattooed to my butt.

 

The officer said I was brought in singing Beatle songs and blowing a blade of grass in my two hands which were cupped together.

I was given a caution and thrown out, all I had on was a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, I didn't know for the hell of me how I was going to get home.

Just then a horn sounded and there in a car was Janey "Hi Steve remember me?" She was a sight for sore eyes and I jumped in the passenger seat.

"What happened to me Janey"? Let’s get you to my place and I will explain everything there.

When we arrived at her home she started laughing and told me it was the best laugh she had ever had and did I always do stuff like that!

I had no idea what she was referring to but asked her anyway "what do you mean?" she explained how I got undressed and started dancing around and how I went to the local farmhouse and asked the farmers wife to marry me.

I later got Diggety Dave to tattoo my butt and my chest!! Oh no I thought and quickly ran to the bathroom to look.

In the mirror there it was oh my God it was the words "Don’t forget to tell your wife how good I was "signed Jack Sprat

I looked in horror at the words and what my wife was going to do to me not to mention parts of me.

I went down stairs and sat in the kitchen with my cup of tea in hand, Janey said "Thanks for the hoot dear but I really must get to work, here are your clothes I picked them up for you, after getting dressed I left and went home. Nothing was said for weeks, and finally I got the courage up and showed my wife the tattoo, she laughed and said "I know you great big dickhead, I put it there when you were asleep in some field I told Janey not to tell you )

 

It just goes to show guys that if you try and hide stuff from your wife she will always get one over you in the end.

 

Spammers

I recently received an email informing me I had won a lottery!

Wow I thought I hadn't entered one, but it must be me because it was my name and my address plus my telephone number, who I was married to, who my dentist was and who the guy in the dark mac with sunglasses was who was following me... they sure do know a lot about you.

Anyway I decided to apply by clicking on their link and straight away I was redirected to their website where I had to fill out an application form, which I thought rather strange due to the fact they already knew who I was anyway a couple of hours later and a few visits to the spell checker I got it finished.

I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find where I had won all this millions they were talking about.

I decided to complain to their head office and tried for six months to find the contact button to no avail, then just out of luck,

I received another email from them saying this was the second time they had contacted me with reference to my winnings!!

This went on for several hundred emails and finally I decided to go to their office personally two trains ,five boats , two planes and a three wheeled carriage oh and some little Chinese piggy back ride later,

I finally arrived at my destination, downtown Nottingham! (Well it looked like anyway).

I was shown to this guy who sat on a mat in a little wooden hut who waved me in.

"Seet duun" he grumbled, and while I watched he pulled out a pink ball from out of a hat and yelled 67!

The little guy in the corner poked his head out of the hut and shouted "67" listen m8 I said, I won your lottery and I’m fed up with all your emails!!

The guy looked up, looked straight in my eyes and with spit coming from his lips cursed me with the reply of "who the heel arrr yu?"

I replied I'm Steve you dozy old twonk!!

I wrote 7800 emails to you without a single reply, all I kept getting was emails telling me this was the umpteenth time you had tried to get in touch with me.

Just then he smiled and waved his hand, plunged it deep into his bag and then yelled "18"

I grabbed his bag and emptied all his balls on the floor.

I don’t remember much after that except when I woke up I had sharp objects protruding out my toe nails and everything seemed upside down!!

Hi m8 a voice said, as I stared around an upside down room, it was a midget hanging next to me, not just any old midget but it was ....

Harry the hatchet. "Hi" Harry I said "where are we"?

The Midget looked blank faced and then said" I’m not Harry! That’s my brother I’m Freddy, Freddy the fish"

"Oh right, sorry! You look alike, why are we here then?"

Freddy explained this was the complaints department and that usually they let you go in a week but because me and him had touched the sacred balls we had to stay for two weeks and we only got crackers and orange juice. I told Freddy it was better than bread and water.

"Whatever" replied Freddy?

Just then a funny looking guy came in with two glasses of orange juice and a plate of crackers nicely buttered! He placed them underneath us and walked out again.

"How are we supposed to get that?" I asked "from up here?" "Exactly replied Freddy"

2 days later the unnamed waiter came in again smiled and said "oh you were not hungry then hahaha" laughed to himself picked up the plate and disappeared.

When I eventually got home a month later (I got an extra week for spitting at the waiter) my wife informed me that a one eyed giant guy had called around and informed her I was hanging around in a Malaysian jungle playing bingo and not to worry I would be back in about a month.

I said "is that all he said "? and my wife replied "no he shouted at his driver two fat ladies 88" I told my wife that number 11 now always reminded me of two slim gents, and I didn’t want to ever go the bingo hall again.

I couldn’t believe my luck though when I opened my email, apparently I had won yet another lottery and a fortnight’s cruise to Cuba, to some place called Fiddles Island.

I don't know what happened to Freddy though because the last time I saw him he was being lead by the ears to the chewy making plant were apparently you have to packet long thin strips of gum into packets, apparently it was a side line of the waiters, and Freddy was ideal for the job due to the fact he could get himself right into the corners!

Well take care everyone and I hope you come back soon, for more tales from the crypt.

 

The day Ebay stopped

It was a Friday afternoon just before midnight (depending where you were on the planet)

And my last item had just sold for 0.50 so I was in a good mood.

I sent out my invoice and waited for the guys response or payment through Paypal.

I worked out that with the fees and charges from Paypal etc I would make 0.10 not bad for a lawnmower,

I settled in to my lucky armchair where all my dealings take place, and counted the costs of being an entrepreneur. I knew this net thing was going to be good for me after all

So I decided to list some more stuff and looked for my camera.

Being successful urged me on to list all "my antiques" so after spending 3 days in my loft killing some unexpected Gerbils, that must have been there a while!! I set out to take my pictures.

Film after film I took and when I was done the photo print shop said they had never seen so many rolls of film before.

After paying the £345 for the development I waited on the nearby park bench for my "develop in 1 hour" to finish.

While sitting there thinking I decided it would be a good idea if I went to the post office and got a quote on my lawn mower.

The woman in the post office said it would need to go parcel force and it would cost £73, a bargain I thought (yeah right it only cost me £10 in a car boot sale), anyway it wasn't me paying the postage was it?

Two days later I finally got my pictures back! "An hour I thought, good job Kodak are not judges".

After getting home I looked through my pictures and noticed I had a lovely looking model girl on the beach in my loft!

I went back up there to see if she would pose some more and ask her if she had been in my loft long seeing as I had no idea who she was.

Spain was in the foreground of most of those pics and someone called sticky Vicky who was doing an act with some razor blades.

I decided to jot down the name of that club in case I ever got the chance to go to Spain, in fact I told myself, just as soon as my money came in from my lawnmower and other stuff I was definitely going there.

After deciding I couldn’t possibly list any of the objects seen in those photos and I must have been standing wrong or something, I decided to go to Curry's and buy a digital camera, I was a bit fed up with my old camera and the plates for the back of it were now looking a bit tatty, and It had fell off the tripod twice while trying to take a photo of a card board cut out of Madonna.

In the shop the guy said the Kodak one was the best and sharpest

I decided I would go with the Fuji one as that’s were I have always wanted to go (after Spain and Sticky Vickie’s)

I got home and brought everything down from the loft this time, the ladder was really hard to get down, as it was stuck somehow to the wall with brackets, but in the end I managed to prise it off with some pliers and a 2 foot jemmy

I had to take 7 photos of the ladder to get it all on the same page.

I was amazed at the amount of stuff I actually had in that loft including an old LP I hadn’t seen in a long time called, How to play the banjo by Billy Bob Spears and the Coal Eating Marmosets, The day was just getting better by the hour.

After taken the ladder photo's I needed to get some more batteries and I knew this wasn’t going to be easy or cheap!

so I bought some rechargeable ones and a charger for £50.

My brother rang and wished me well in my new venture and said he had a few things also if I wanted to list them with mine.

I agreed and two days later after taking all the photos of his stuff I started back on my own.

The train set was one of the first photo's of my stuff I took and I made sure I got all the pieces of track in the shots all 236 of them, well it was a digital camera and you could do a lot with it.

I noticed however there was a curve piece missing and I would have to tell the would be buyer this when I sold it.

The guy from Grimsby emailed me and told me the postage on the lawnmower was out of the question and was there any other way in which I could get it to him; after all it was only costing him 50p to buy the damn thing!!

I emailed him back and told him I thought it was quite reasonable I and he should be grateful as I think he got a bargain.

I never heard from him again, except when I started to list my stuff I noticed the number next to my name was -1 so when I checked it out I had received some feedback off the nice guy stating he only wished he had more than 20 words to say about me!!

I decided to list all my stuff as quickly as possible and to get the lawnmower re-listed due to the summer fast approaching and I might have been wanting to use it.

One used cabbage bowl, one cabbage bowl with cabbage rubbed out, one cabbage bowl with large crack down the "left side"! The list was endless; it was at this point I wondered how I was going to get the Gerbils in the padded envelopes if anyone bought them.

I decided to buy some cages and just put wrapping paper around those.

On the fifth day of listing something happened with eBay and they said it was a temporary thing and not to worry, but I didn't find it funny having to re-list it all again!

After I was all done I received an email asking which country my car was made in as they had never heard of an ancient Ming before and did it come with a CD player.

The Fiat forum sent me a link to a discussion they were having and decided it would be a laugh to paint wheels on my vase and value it as a Fiat HGT Punto and some other guy posing on the message board called it as "Cheap as Chips"

I sit here now thinking how strange it was for a fiat forum to be advertising my vase for me and to give me all the free advertising!! Those Fiat guys are real cool people.

My wife told me not to list her clothes, so I took them off the listings, but some man emailed me to ask if they were still soiled (whatever that meant) so I emailed him back and said no they were clean on last Friday!

I just couldn’t get my head around all the emails that came flooding in from the animal rights people and eBay members of staff.

They said I didn't have the right to list 22,000 Gerbils and a big fat hamster in the wine and cheese section of good life.

I decided to re-list them and found a better section in the bulk buys, only thing was it was bulk butchers and again I soon found myself in their bad books.

My wife told me we should stop selling them after it cost her insurance rise due to the paint covering the car and all the smashed windows in the street of not just our house but many of the neighbours also.

The papers said it was a crime for people to be allowed to do this, and so did the RSPCA.

After another 6 months I decided to give up on eBay as I had only sold one item and I was £34,000 out of pocket, but I’m sure the guy found it useful, as he was a window cleaner and they could always use a good set of ladders.

I reckon he got a bargain because the advert cost me £5 due to all the photos involved and the ladder only went for £4.80 but you live and learn that’s what I say.

My wife is really annoyed with me because of all the stuff around the house now cluttering up the place and I can't put it all back as I can't get back up into the loft.

I bought a shed yesterday off eBay for $20 what a bargain but the postage was a bit extreme at $4000, the guy in America did say the postage was down to me and he was true to his word and it never got lost in the post.

I have somewhere to keep all my stuff now and I will re-list everything again when I have time.

If you are travelling through here anytime soon, remember it’s not what you have got, but it’s how you do it!!

 

The Internet Man

Most men on the internet are hiding away in dark corners prying on camcorders and downloading porn or some other meaningful programme.

I decided to seek out my own species of crime fighter and see what I could find, It didn’t take me long to track one of these down however and it was lurking around a group called Billybobs Parlour, it came from nowhere attacking me on first sight of me on the boards, with phrases like "what can you do with a skateboard" and "this page is taken"! He emailed me loads of messages from advertisements sites just to annoy me. I eventually left there and went looking somewhere else for this rare species

I knew I would have to be really cunning and deceptive, so I called myself Slutasia and said I was from Soho. 23,000 people applied to my messenger trying to get me to chat to them

It was a struggle but I managed to whittle them down to a mere 50. Some guy called Morph said he came from Cambridge and would I like to take some pictures of him in his rubber gas mask and divers’ flippers

I wasn't impressed with that as them two items both clash with being the same shade of black.

I blocked him and started talking to some guy called Mick, for a guy he was a real pain in the ass and he definitely rhymed with what his name should have been. At this point I really felt sorry for women and what they had to put up with on the internet.

I soon changed my mind about that when I started talking to Ned the fireman, who said he had been married 17 times and had 39 children to 39 different women, how awful is that? The poor man!!

 

Skipper however was a guy from Pittsburgh who said he only came on to the net to get away from his girlfriend and he said she didn't understand him; I asked him why that was and he said he spoke English and she was from Czechoslovakia so couldn’t speak or understand a word he said!!

The fact there was so many desperate men on here made me sit up and think; it was a porn sites dream world and a haven for the lonely ad's pages.

I decided messenger wasn't the place to talk with guys as I would surely be caught out, so I decided to leave messenger the way I found it, I said farewell to Porky, Corky, Rudolf ,Cliff Richard, Jeff the shark, Charlie fang, Macker & Stu and made my way to Yahoo.. It needed that special desperate place to find those desperate men, and Yahoo was as desperate as you can get.

I headed for the pool rooms and racked off a few games with some guy from Germany, who kept saying nine after everything I said and I kept having to tell him it was the best of five.

The Transylvanian pope was a clever guy and he said he came on the internet to play chess and pool, he explained to me that everyone on the net were prowlers of one thing or another and I should check out a place called Spring Heel Jacks on an AOL site, I decided to grab a copy of AOL from my local store and give it a whirl, This was not a good thing to do however and my pc gave up the ghost.

Thanks to some handy tips I picked up in PC maintenance classes I soon had my pc back up and running, however it was a further 15 tries with that disc before I finally gave up on it and frisbied it out of my living room window, where it was instantly eaten by next doors pit bull. I decided that the internet man was just not worth the hassle of investigation and anyone seeking one should be wary. It’s not that us men are desperate but we are just so naïve and women are a really bad influence. I mean how can a man compete with a species which think they rule the world and dominate the male species; I mean come on get a grip!! Anyway I must go my wife says I need to do the dishes and I have to decorate the house (well it is spring).

This is a message to all the men out there who are married, living with some one, or just bonking the next door neighbour’s cat, put down your snooker cue right now and go and give your loved one, yes including the cat, a big kiss and a hug and tell them you love them!

I guarantee you will get some thing in return! (I’m not telling you the answer)

By the way the net woman outnumbers the net man on the internet love scene by about a billion to one (and that’s no exaggeration) so good luck to all men!

 

The Meet

After being around a little on the net and groups, a group I knew called Spaghetti Loops, was having a meet in Blackpool so I decided that it would be fun for me to attend.

I asked on the board about details etc and the next day made my way to the train station.

It was a week till the meet but I wasn't stupid, I knew the train would be late! British Rail isn't exactly known for its promptness.

I settled down on the train station platform with a group of other people who had the same idea as me, they lived here apparently with the pigeons and I told them I would add them to my next story, <Steve waves to Elsie,Tom,Gene,Frank & Matt> They were known as the famous five bums.

Living rough was their way of telling the world a message so Tom said, He said they let everyone know that the system would not push them in society and they were free people to live how they wanted.

It was at this point I looked at them for who they really were. What kind of people would live on train station platforms just so they wouldn't want to be tied down in society?

Anyway as I got up to leave them when my train came in, Matt stood up to say goodbye and he slipped and fell in front of my train, he died instantly.

Now I know why the trains are running late all the time! They are now calling themselves the four rug rats.

I haven't been on a train for a good few years and it was all new and exciting, I sat next to this huge woman who had this horrible odour coming from her and she spat at me every time she tried to make conversation with me, and I was on the other aisle!!

She told me she was from "Bath" and I thought maybe you better go back there and get one! She asked me if I would like a polo mint and I said politely no thank you they tend to give me heart burn, but she demanded I take one "How could I refuse such a sweet woman" it kind of stuck to my fingers as I peeled it from her hand, that’s when it dawned on me it wasn't a polo mint It was a half eaten doughnut that she must have had in her handbag for weeks, I wondered why it was white? I made some excuse of needing the toilet and left her there panting hard and trying to squeeze the plunger down on her inhaler while munching on the other half of the doughnut.

I threw the other bit down the toilet and flushed the chain. After getting back to my seat the woman who I later found out was Kathy, exclaimed to me that it was a really bad habit to take food to the toilet with you and she had been trying to get out of that habit for years.

The noise of "Du du. du du" rang through my ears, after Kathy rambled on for over an hour or so I asked her where she was going and she said she was going to Blackpool for a meet!!

Me too I whispered "What"? cried Kathy. "Me too Kathy I'm off to the same meet". She said we might as well turn up as a couple then!!

I told her that would be good but didn't she think that may cause trouble as we weren't supposed to know each other seeing as it was a blind meet.

She agreed and I told her I had better sit in a different compartment as this was a smoking carriage and I didn’t smoke. On the way out I noticed it wasn't a smoking carriage after all it was just the fumes from Kathy.

 

I decided I needed a drink so I went to the buffet part of the train to get one. Sitting there thinking about it, it must have seemed funny to Kathy bumping into another member of their meet club.

After several more cans of lager I staggered back to the carriage where Kathy was and introduced myself again to her, what a lovely girl I thought!!

The next station was our stop and we made our way to the fairground where we were all to meet.

We were met by a transvestite called Loretta and he (I mean she) told us to follow him to a bar on the promenade.

Everyone was there except Muffin Maggie who couldn't make it due to having no child minders, I was bought a drink and everyone started chatting all at the same time to me about all the things me and Kathy had chatted about on the train.

 

I must admit there was a good selection of people here and from all walks of life, there were teachers, dentists, chimney sweeps and a dwarf who called himself Harry the Cleaver! Apparently he had attended three meets altogether but hadn't met the same people again afterwards.

 

We drank all day and the ladies put on some songs and danced on the tables, whooping and hollering, apparently Flossy had booked this hotel for the night for all of us as she was a lottery winner and it was her treat for us all as a surprise.

Out of the corner of my eye I watched Harry lead Tania out through the back, and ten minutes later he came back alone, this made me think of his name and what he had said about not having seen everyone again after all the other meets, I decided to check to see if Tania was ok.

She was in the mens toilet reading Country Life magazine with her knickers around her ankles, I enquired what she was doing in the mens toilet and she casually looked up and said "oh he has gone then"

I decided I couldn't take much more of this so decided to go to bed.

 

I woke up about 3am to the sounds of scurrying feet and squeaks so turned the light on and there in the middle of the floor was a big rat as big as a cat staring at me, I stared at the rat and it stared at me but no one moved a muscle, then all of a sudden it jumped at me and out of nowhere came a midget with a cleaver and killed it outright.

I’ve been hunting that all night he explained as he picked it up by the tail and proceeded to walk out the door, "They don't call me Harry for nothing " he shouted as he left the room. I grinned to myself and turned over.

I tried and tried to get back to sleep but it was no good and in the end I had to get up and go down stairs, everyone was still there drinking and dancing on tables, laughing and jumping about.

It was now 5.30 am in the morning and I decided enough was enough so jumped on the table with them and started singing "we are family"

2 weeks later I finally got home and logged on to find there was a message in my inbox (I always get loads while I am away for so long)

It said not to forget the meet next week in Blackpool as it would be a great honour to meet me after so long in the group signed "Betty" of "Spaghetti Loops"!!!

 

The Net Woman

The question is this if you put a black light bulb in your living room would you be able to see at night when you switch the light on?

I wondered this so tried it out and it’s quite good in the daylight as it turns everything dark!!!

I can see everyone now scrambling to buy black light bulbs, which takes me on to the next story about the time I joined a search engine brigade to see if we could "excite it"

I grabbed my Google search and typed "excite" lo and behold you do in fact get "My Excite" at the top of the list followed by women!!

Which kind of defeats the women’s plans of actually being exciting!

I mean what exactly is exciting about net women? They can't make you smell their horrid perfume only tell you about it. Most women I have come across on the internet are dumb, so dumb in fact they will chat up a bot!

I once watched as a woman chatted to a chat bot about how cool his name sounded and how she would like to get him round to her place so she could cheat on her husband,for cheating on her. Every woman I know on the entire internet is out to get someone or being chased by someone.

The majority of women sit at their PC’s and imagine their dream man with every person they talk with.

Here is a conversation I had with a 78 year old woman (yes the old are just as bad)

Steve>> Hi Edith

Edith>> Hi Steve

Steve>> what you doing tonight then Edith

Edith>> Not much Steve its pension day so I’ve been splashing out on some cans of stout

Steve>> Oh that’s nice Edith how much do they pay you these days?

Edith>> Not much just enough for a couple of cans and a spliff!!

Steve>> Well the government know best Edith and they did have to save you during the war!

Edith>> Listen Steve if I was 10 years younger I would have missed that war

Steve>> I’m just glad the Germans didn’t win or I wouldn’t be speaking to you now Edith

Edith>> Me too I wouldn’t have been asking you for a date next week either

Steve>> The only date you'll be getting from me Edith is the fruit variety, I thought it was just the men who where randy old sods

Edith>> When I was younger I could have shown you a thing or to m8

Steve>> Well I have to go now Edith I’ve the bath running and I’m following it

Edith>> Ok Steve speak again tonight love

Steve>> Will do (F) take care

Edith>> You too Steve xxx

Now I don’t really go in for the older woman but she has good manners at least.

Now here’s the same conversation but with a young 20 year old

Steve>> Hi Dolly

Dolly>> Howsya Steve, wanna date

Steve>> what d you look like Dolly?

Dolly>> Oh blue eyes , white shiny teeth and long curly flowing blonde hair, I have the curviest of features and I’m gagging for it.

Steve>> I have left the bath running hang on I'll be right up!!

See the difference? Now take women on the net in general, if I go on the message boards and read a few things, it’s mainly about games of chess and how such a such is getting on with her hip replacement after being raped three times while sunbathing with her ex fellas boyfriend.

Now when the woman surfs the boards it’s to find things to bitch about or start a flame or fight over absolutely anything, take this week I read about this woman who had flamed another woman on the boards because she liked crisps!

How mad is that? Apparently this woman had got the other woman’s boyfriend to eat crisps from her navel while she wrote messages to the fact to the other woman.

Now if that’s not blatant bitching I don't know what is.

There's more people having relationships on the net than actually off the net and they never work out, some people talk to dreams until they see them from 50 metres away then 10 metres away then they walk right past and count their blessings.

The worst kinds are the 50 year olds who say they are 20 and actually believe they can pass for it because their shadow looks good! My recommendation would be, if you meet someone who's absolutely gorgeous then you’re a liar! The best way to actually get someone on the net is to look for groups ending in "House" it’s a lighthouse for come and get it here.

I believe in free speech, free love and using binoculars, so why am I still on the net? Well its that nanoo nanoo time again and for what its worth "keep your pecker up lads" oh nearly forgot that’s exactly what you’re on here for isn’t it?

 

The Printer

I used to think that the printer was some guy who you go to for a copy of woman’s world, but I guess its a cool item that's attached to your PC which will allow you to print off many pictures and other stuff.

I don't have a printer at present as I got rid of "them" all.

 

It all started when the guy from the online casino told me that if I needed to cash out my winnings I would need to print out the application form,

 

This was the beginning of the worst thing I ever did.

 

It all started when I decided to join an online casino and everything was going from bad to worse when I lost £5,000 in one hour. Apparently they are all fixed so it’s impossible to win, but being a dozy twonk I never realised this until it was too late, I managed to grab back £1000 of my money on a daring risk on red or black.

 

I tried to cash it in, but apparently to do so you need to fill out their forms by law (law my ass)

 

I emailed the guy concerned and told him he needed to fill out my form to take my 5 grand and if he couldn't perform this duty then the bet was null and void.

 

It was at this stage that some guy called around and broke my legs and I ended up in hospital for the umpteenth time.

 

This internet thing was becoming a health hazard.

 

Anyway two weeks later I decided not to play at their casino anymore and decided the best thing to do was cash my £1000 remaining money that I had put there, OUT.

 

I tried and tried but their system wouldn’t let me, so I emailed them and was given the run around about how such a law prevented me from taking over £1000 out,

And if I needed to withdraw this amount I would have to send them my passport, my driving license, bank details and next of kin.

 

So I asked if there was an quicker way as I really did need my money back, they said if I downloaded their application form I could print it off and then email this to them with photo copies of my details instead.

 

So off to "PC World" again I went with credit card in hand, it was at this point I realised someone had stolen my identity and used up all my funds while I was in hospital.

 

After visiting the police and getting all my new credit cards resent to me a month had past, and I went back to "PC World" to get my printer sorted out.

 

I purchased an Epson photo RX500 and set to work finding out how it actually worked, it had all kinds of features including being able to print off photo's from the negatives which was a very useful tool indeed.

 

I bought some ink for it because you need to buy six different ink cartridges, they only had six different colours available and that was red, black and four different blues, so I put them in and for a practice run printed off a photo of my daughter, it came out as though she had been in a road traffic accident and didn't appeal to my wife at all, so I had to wait 4 more weeks for the shop to get some other colours in.

I finally got my printer working and printed out my form etc and sent it back with all the relevant info.

 

The guy emailed me back and told me the deadline had passed and I wasn't eligible to the money! So I emailed him back and told him what I thought of him also.

I woke up a fortnight later in the same bed as when sloppy got hold of me!

Unbelievable I thought to myself as I sipped soup through a long straw, I never thought I would see this trusty bed again or old terminally ill Frank from Sutton on Sea.

 

Determined not to be out done I went back to that online casino and you will never guess what happened? Yes you guessed it I lost my £1000 stake money; it was a lot of fun though.

 

Did you know when on the roulette if you cover every number except one, it will come in every 14 times so you will be at an eventual loss guaranteed all the time.

 

There's an old saying of mine and that's don't gamble unless your on a sure winner!! And if anyone had any sure winners, everyone would be millionaires, and on that point I’m off to the dog tracks as I’m on to a sure winner :).

WWW.

I decided to investigate the www. As I had heard so much about it, so off I went to surf the world. First stop was Cleverland

No

Michael Jackson’s in here I can tell you) this was an amazing place full of people who called themselves Goths and the pictures were extreme to say the least,

In this site they worshipped some guy named Greg Lewinski! I wonder if he played tennis. They all wore black hair wigs and white washed their faces with what looked like chalk, reminded me of negative ghosts, Anyway there was this one guy there called "Manson’s Love Box" who loved lying down with chains all over himself while someone else shoved pins in his butt, I can't imagine why he liked this, but I reckoned it stemmed from a young boy when his mother used to make him hold the pin cushion for her while darning his socks. This was a cruel place to hang out so I decided the next step would be somewhere more cheerful, I found myself next in "The Blue Library"

This was a site that entertained you by letting you download electronic porn magazines, But I couldn’t see the sense in this due to the fact there was no under the counter feature and every red blooded guy knows this is a must for any public porn store.

Next stop was Tiny Tim’s luxury doll makers; this was a site where you could create doll gifs by dragging the parts of doll forms over to a blank space,

This was great fun and as every new person to this knows, I had to put the skimpiest stuff on first and then take them off etc real slow!

The net was an amazing place and you could do almost anything there, you could, order pizzas, sweets, anything from any store, I decided to see what I could find that wasn't on the net, so I started putting words in the Google search engine to see if I could catch it out with words it didn't know, I put in the word "Sploshed" guaranteed not to be there as I had never heard of this

and believe it or not there is over 10 pages filled with stupid stuff about this word, "Ahhh" this also comes with pages and pages, It was becoming difficult to find anything, " *** " Even gets you tons of stuff even about climbers for Gods sake, I found out later that there is a game people play with Google search called Googling which means you have to try and put a word in that only carries 4 letters or less

If you can find something that only carries one example of it, I am calling a "Googleyluckysoddy" And this should carry a prize for the person who does.

There is even a place called the Pink Monkey, in fact there isn't many things you can think of that there isn't and I could quite easily pick anything and find a site about it, which was what I did.

There is even a site where you can debate about whether it’s correct to use the word "pop or soda" with statistics to the fact.

I decided the best way to compete with the www. people was to actually become one. So I set out to create my own site.

A few names run through my mind like, "Car Mechanic Online" and "Busman’s Friend" I Just couldn't find the right name so in the end I went for "The Slice of Toast"

It was a quick decision and only took me 3 weeks of pondering to think it up!

I busily started on the front page, which I made black, I couldn't think of anything to put there apart from a black page, and in the end I decided a piece of cheese would be the best thing.

So my front page was complete. Content was a bit of a poser, but I managed 78 pages of silly stories about the www. and what I had found there.

I was getting good at this story telling lark. I had a meter on the pages to see how many people came, 00001 it read for 2 years, after that I decided to delete it, then someone told me I should enter it in the search engines to get more people. "Now they tell me".

I wonder how they make them search engines. I mean to say they can find anything even other search engines!

The best person I ever talked with was a guy called Carrot Top Alfie from Wisconsin; he lived in a one bedroom apartment with 37 dogs and a dead horse.

He told me that he lived on live pigeons that flew on to his window ledges and he hadn't been to a shop for food for near on 20 years.

I asked him what he did for tea or coffee and he said there was plenty of powder on the window ledges!!

He had a great hobby and loved collecting AOL CD’s, he had apparently 897 different discs all freebies except one which was his pride and joy which he paid for by ringing the AOL free phone number.

I wish I had of thought of that!! "What a hobby" I thought to myself.

The last I heard of him he had shacked up with some woman in the "collect AOL disc club"

I was going to join but all my discs where being used or eaten by the dog next door. The woman who he had met "Peggy The Tooth" had apparently a better collection than him!

I found a great site called "Baked Beans" where it named all the uses you can use baked beans for, this was an amazing site and even more amazing was the things you could actually do with them.

A baked bean, you can sit on them, throw them, flick them at the cat , see if you can hit flies with them while they are flying around your light bulb, You could even eat them!

There was over 10,000 different things you could do with a baked bean, my favourite was "get a bath full of baked beans with your partner" It was important to wear a bikini and trunks.

My all time favourite site was called "The Grape Farm" where people dressed grapes up and filmed them, to make a kind of soap opera, each week they would make a tale up about the cast, and there would be all kinds of accidents etc and monsters would eat them it was very funny but it had to be closed down due to all the whiners!!

My last will and testament will be made online and some of the people I have met along the way have definitely changed my outlook about the www. and believe me these people will never under any circumstances be even mentioned in it!

 

 

The end