I went to the unemployment office today because I was skint and it seemed like the place to go.
I mean come on I have seen them give some people money before, but they wouldn't give me any
not even a single penny, due to me being a successful writer and being paid vast amounts of wonga
what is wrong with the system these days? It is always on the authorities side, anyway on the way back home
I bumped into flash Tony the guy who won the lottery,He put 50p on and said he would give the guy the other 50p at the end of the week and won the jackpot £67 million on the Euro millions. He never did pay the guy the other 50p.
He told me they were giving free electricity and all I had to do was put my finger in the light bulb socket with no bulb in to claim my free stuff, so I thanked him and told him I would try it when I got home.
When I got home though there was a letter for me from the mobile phone company I got my free phone off saying I owed them £600 for calls made on the 1st of June 2007, so I decided to ring them, A guy answered and told me to press 1 for emergency breakdowns, 2 for calls not being received, 3 for calls of an obscene nature and 4 for anything else, I wondered what kind of obscenities you got if you pressed 3, so I pressed it and a voice said "press 1 for advice how to stop obscene calls, press 2 for someone in India to take your call, or press 3 to hold to speak to an advisor, or press hash to return to menu (I unscrewed the light bulb) while I was waiting for the person on the other end to answer.
3 hours later a squeaky voice said "ello" I said "hellooooooooooooooooow and I fell off the bed, clutching my left index finger in my mouth.
I yelled and yelled blue murder (well it was nicer than swearing) "blue murder" I cried in shock and in pain as my wife came running in, "what is all the commotion?"
she yelled, "I pointed to the light socket and told her how it bit me. "Bit you? You wally it's electricity".
"I know that, I was getting some free" she looked at me with one of those looks you give your driving instructor when he says "turn left" after you turn right and he then says "I meant the other left"!!
My wife turned and left the room, I heard her snickering to herself in the hall, and muttering free electricity or something like that under her breath, but I never caught the rest.
I put the phone receiver back to my ear and stated in the other end "hello are you still there?" There was no answer
they had gone, how inconsiderate, I decided to phone back again and complain about it, so I phoned again, this time a voice said they were closed and I could only ring again on Monday.
I couldn't believe it, I stuck my finger in the socket again, yowwwwwzed "It done it again" I shouted to my wife.
On Monday morning I tried ringing again but it was engaged, so I sat down and tried to brush my hair back flat to my head, all the electricity had forced my hair to stand up and turn white I looked like a used cotton bud, I wondered about the light socket and thought maybe I was using the wrong socket, I decided to try the living room one, there was no difference however and my eyes bulged and my finger got sucked in just like being bit by a raging bull terrier although that bites your ass.
I finally got through on the phone on the Tuesday morning and the guy on the other end said I wasn't with Orange I was with 02 typical I thought I don't even pay the water bill, my wife does.
I gave her £600 and said "pay the water love" and went down the pub, At the pub Tony was playing pool, I went over and said "hey Tony I never got any free electricity" to which he said well Steve that's shocking, if I was you I would change your supplier, they must not be doing their jobs properly.
Later on when I got home I decided to phone my electricity supplier, so I rang the number on the bill and a voice said "hello and welcome to British Gas please wait to be connected to an advisor, then another voice came on and said for queries press 1 for obscene phone calls press 2 ........